Thursday, August 19, 2004

07/16/2004

The trimester is over. I gave 550 students grades for the trimester, and the whole thing ended with an uncharacteristic whimper. I forgot to bring the exams to the night classes tonight, then during the make-up exam I was giving, the "office boy" decided it was time to go and he turned off all the lights, leaving us in the pitch black, with unfinished work. I was angry. But I let that pass in about 20 minutes.

I got here and Jurcia, Violeta and one of their friends were here cooking because their own power had been cut. The house was full of the wonderful aroma of lentils, tomatoes and onions from dinner that Jenna had prepared, and Lisa and Nanosh were sitting around, basking in the busyness. It was hard not to relax pretty much straight away.

Now that I've essentially got just one trimester left before I'm out of here, I'm thinking about how I can put all of myself into it - but I'm sure that will happen in any case.

I've been dealing with one of my students lately who has an excessive number of absences - about 60 over the course of the trimester (which is the equivalent of missing every single class for two weeks straight) and didn't bother to get them excused until this past week. She first complained of vision problems, then uteral problems, now her child is ill, and so she's unable to come to school, etc. It's not that I don't believe it -- she had the proof -- it's that when it comes down to it, she isn't coming to school. And she tried all sorts of backward methods to get around it, like altering the attendance book, forging teachers' signatures, getting other teachers and staff members to go over my head, and so on. I just don't understand. It would have been so much easier to either come to class (she's very unmotivated) or just drop school altogether, because she's got important things to attend to that clearly preclude coming to school. What's her motivation? What is a 10th grade education going to do for her if she's not there for it? Even if it's only for the certificate, what is she going to do with that?

There's some missing link here I just don't see - I don't know whether that is because of cultural differences of because I refuse to believe that someone would choose to pay to go to school if they didn't really want to get anything out of it. Is it just for the social life? Is it for her parents? Maybe I'll figure it out, maybe not.

My plan is, let her stay in school but under close sanctions - she must justify all absences within one week or I call her parents again. She has a problem with lying and I'm determined to try and show her that she doesn't need to lie.

Peace

John

07/14/2004

At 8:30 AM this morning, I found myself in the rural hospital here in town. And once again, I was in charge of someone who had gotten suddenly sick, with someone who had to be carried in. This time it was my student who had passed out in the classroom and stopped breathing for a minute or so while we ran her to the hospital.

Ironically, Nanosh was trying to call me from Maputo at exactly that moment for the first time since he became ill.

I talked with him later on and we are eagerly anticipating our reunion.

And speaking of meetings, I had a 3 1/2 hour meeting at school today, all about yelling at teachers for not doing this or not doing that. Lately, I've been getting up and speaking, but today I chose to skip that.

Because I wanted to get back to correcting tests that I gave yesterday, at night. I've given so many tests and corrected so many tests done by the students, that I am tired of it. I'm good at it now, but I am ready to be done with it for at least a few days.

I weighed myself at the hospital today - 65 kg (143 lbs). It's the least I've weighed since freshman year of college. I'm working very hard - I'm regularly pulling full days of classes and work at home without rest other than for eating. I can't continue like this, not even for one trimester.

So I planned out my work for next trimester, and it seems that I can spread out the difficult parts (correcting) over the course of the 13 weeks and I'm working on getting ahead in my lesson plans.

I'm concerned about this because I see people getting sick around me for strange reasons, not all explained, and I don't want to be one of them because of working myself to the bone. Moreover, I can work this hard anywhere in the world; shouldn't I be more preoccupied with doing here what I can't do elsewhere? Am I really helping all these kids that much?

I don't know the answers. What I do know is that it's going to feel real good to get back home, relax, and figure out the next step over a delivered pizza and drinkable tap water. Of course, the next step may end up looking a lot like this step. Just bigger - but definitely not as rigorous!

Peace

John

07/07/2004

I think I needed some time to not write for a while, to collect my thoughts and work hard on what's in front of me, right here, right now. Though I've been noticing lately that I've been very absent-minded in my work and stretching myself thin. Not that this is any surprise - I guess I just needed to find where that limit was. And I've been going through another tough emotional time that I essentially have to deal with by myself - for a few reasons. And though I'm accomplishing what I viewed as quite possibly "impossible", I don't feel all that wonderful about it. Yeah, I'm teaching almost 600 kids now on all different levels in two different subjects at all times of the day. It's a constant challenge, but is my body really up for it? I know that when I start making careless errors, it's the first sign that my brain is tired. Not because I can't do the problem, but because I'm looking for (and satisfied with) shortcuts.

I've found that what keeps me going is being in front of and with students. This very human aspect of WORK makes it all worthwhile. It's what I need in any job that I have from this point on in my life. People. Yesterday, I taught for 8 hours and was doing schoolwork for another 3 or so. It's addicting. I do and don't like being addicted. I never want to be a workaholic - so I want to not think of it as work. But I know that personal relationships suffer when you spend all your time buried in work, whether or not it's "work".

So my thoughts are pretty scattered, my perspective on the world and on life is nice and rounded, and my pen is once again ruining perfectly blank pieces of journal paper.

I've noticed that, without Nanosh or the Canadians around, my Portuguese has improved markedly. I still can't express myself as I'd like (would that day ever come?), but I'm feeling more comfortable in these shoes.

I used to have Wednesday's completely off, but now I have to teach in the morning...and then I end up doing all sorts of other things at school. Today, I found myself there from 7 AM till 11AM, and 2 PM till 7 PM. Not exactly a day off. But I showed some kids how to use a microscope, and I prodded them gently to play around with it. One of them got a drop of "clean" water from outside and found it to be much less than pristine. They were very interested in the applications, but I think the real application is in getting them to see the very necessary connectionn between the cells in our body and how small and omnipresent they are. It's something that, without proper visual aids or personally seeing it, it can never really be properly imagined for minds cultivated on analytical methods. The use of the microscope has such far-reaching implications, but ONE for a group of FIFTY!? That's what's so difficult.

And of course what's been on my mind - what will inevitably come to dominate my thoughts - is the next step in my life. And the very question (What to do?) is part of the debate. I'm very tempted to just not decide and let the next step find me. I think there's just too much to consider and cull so that it might be counterproductive to look. What I have to convince myself of is that there is no one job where I can fulfill all of my goals - all I can do is take a good job and make the most of it, molding it into the job I want. Like this one. And the hope is that with every job, self-directed or not, I'll get closer and closer to my goals.

I guess it's just a professional reflection of my philosophical wanderings - that, inevitably, I will get closer and closer to the truth that doesn't really exist. Just like when you tear a piece of paper in half. And then do it again. And agian. And, assuming you get small enough instruments, you can keep on doing that for quite a while. You never get down to "no paper" - you just get infinitely close to it. I'll just get close enough to get a good idea. And I'll never find the perfect job. I'll just get close enough to have an idea of what it would be.

I'm so preoccupied with happiness - mainly, that of others - that I don't focus on my own. So my next job definitely needs to address that situation. Which isn't to say that I'm not happy. This is definitely the coolest (and lowest paying - roughly $30 per week) job. So I guess another objective would be to find something as cool.

Which leads me to the next conclusion, that I need to move. Preferably from the States. But I need to figure out where I am emotionally first, and how I can maintain relationships with loved ones. But I could easily see myself in China, Brazil, Lithuania or even Canada, speaking Chinese, Portuguese, Lithuanian or Canadian :) The possibilities make my head spin, because although it's only months away, it's a world that I can't imagine right now.

Peace

John

06/29/2004

Days are moving quickly. Had a couple weird dreams/waking moments now that I'm living alone, at least for the time being. I woke up a couple days ago to the sight of the fan that's two feed from my head. I only saw the silhouette and my half-sleep mind saw the perfectly still, standing body of an eight year old girl. I instantly thought that someone had broken into the house (which has happened, while I was sleeping) and for some reason there was a young girl keeping watch over me. I thought she might be dangerous or perhaps possessed. Within moments, however, I realized it was just the fan and I made out the form of the fan quickly enough to save myself from insanity.

Speaking of insanity, last Tuesday I gave 13 lessons, which is the most I will ever give and have ever given. It was exhausting in a good way, but nonetheless exhausting.

And then I had a dream that Nanosh was back in town and mad at me.

Peace

John

Thursday, August 05, 2004

06/20/2004

I haven't written for what seems like a lifetime. I'll try and catch up on the big things and then get on to the biggest...if you can call it that.

After much hassle and struggle and shame and slander, I am teaching Chemistry to all of the 11th and 12th grades. I was, at one point, told to cease and desist because I hadn't been given proper permission, then I was denied giving lessons because of Peace Corps regulations that my school misunderstood, then reinstated after I talked to a turma, telling them that the school denied me the ability to give them lessons. But now I have 11 turmas, or 39 classes per week (including other responsibilities). I have to plan 14 lessons for 8th, 10th, 11th and 12th grade. But, as Nanosh says, I love an intellectual challenge and this is definitely just that. The night students are wonderful, and I'm already having a blast with them. The only down side was getting yelled at by my director in front of the pedagogical director for saying bad things about the direction of the school. I deserved it, but it was a means to an end as otherwise these students would still be out a teacher. This is what started Thursday.

All week, Annie and Charles had been saying their goodbyes, starting at their going away parties on Friday and Saturday, and culminating in a last dinner on Wednesday night. Nanosh and I, Albertina and Latifa were saying goodbye at the restaurant we have always gone to with Annie and Charles, adnd we shared a lot of good memories and laughs. We talked about the future - about how uncertain it really is when you get down to it. Then I went by their house early Thursday afternoon to see them drive off for the last time out of C---. Nanosh was sick at home.

Peace

John

06/08/2004

For two straight days now, I've been pretty much alternating between work and school, on and off. I'm going to teach at least 11th grade Chemistry, starting this week, which means I'm due to have quite a few weeks like this. Makes up for it, as I blazed through three books last week.

There's a whole lot on my mind, too, but I'm finding that I can deal with that much better than I could last year. Actually, it's somewhat a relief to start to worry and fantasize about the next step. I think it's be really fun to start all over in a brand new place again - but among friends. I have to find that balance somehow.

My extra session today was heavily attended by some of the most vocal students, creating a very difficult lesson, but it reduced the amount that they complain, for the moment. Pretty soon, we'll stop talking about genetics and start in on evolution. Honestly, I can't wait. Not that I don't like genetics, but explaining the very basics of the simplest notions 8 times or more...it's tiring.

I think what would be the coolest challenge here in education would be to teach Biology at the University level. I would have to do some serious studying, but those students are (in theory) the hardest-working and some of the smartest. I just feel like I need to rearrange all of my students into levels so I can have an honors class, normal classes and a remedial class. It wouldn't be perfect, but at least I could discuss some more advanced concepts, concentrate on the basics without boring the others, and hammer in the most basic techniques for those who need them.

In my 8th grade classes today, I gave 15-minute mini-lessons on how to answer a "Why" question. They routinely answer questions like "Why does the earth warm up?" with responses like, "The earth warms up because the solar radiation is one of the forces in the universe.", after I give them a list of forces in the universe. They don't know how to answer the question so they look for a key word, then spit out a phrase that they were given. So I gave them an analytical method: 1) Identify a reason that makes the question true ("The solar energy is hot.") 2) Connect that reason with the original question ("The solar energy is hot and heats up the earth.") One turma even started asking ME to use this method for complicated questions. It was nice to know they understood and knew how to apply it, not questioning why their Biology teacher is telling them all of this.

Soon, I'll be going through some struggles with the 11th graders, I'm sure. I think my expectations will be too high, and I'll have to resort to explaining things 5 times because I'm not making immediate sense to them. We'll see.

My students are always asking me why I just don't let them cheat a little - how unfair it is that I'm so harsh, because what if they just forgot a little fact? or they weren't able to study? or... No is not an acceptable answer. Not at all. And instead of accepting it and moving past it, they try and find different ways to cheat instead of studying and doing very well (as many students have already done).

To hell with "4Mat" which grinds in teaching to the 4 different learning styles - my kids have one style and even when I address just that one style, they still have difficulties because they expect the same old shit - to vomit back the notes I give them. I find that most of them actually understand next to nothing. That's scary.

Peace

John

06/06/2004

I would hate to ever be pregnant. I got some sort of food poisoning on Friday evening and spent the night jumping up from bed to empty my stomach - the way things started. So I don't think I could ever handle doing that every day for months at a time - maybe not as frequently, but having those wishy-washy feelings that maybe things will just get better on their own.

With just a week to go in town, Annie and Charles invited us over to watch more or less a final movie - "The Killing Fields". I had never seen it before and though it was often shocking and the story strong, it reminded me of how fruitless it seems to be to be fighting on the side of peace within a war-loving society. Is it that we forget so easily the horrors of war? Or is it that we get so bloodthirsty that it just doesn't matter? It's clear that most people for war don't know or care about what war does to a society. Here in the south of Mozambique, where the war was the worst, people are consistently more violent, more apathetic and less educated than those in the rest of the country. Regardless of what war may resolve, it creates problems too numerous and horrible to ever justify war.

I might still end up teaching Chemistry and keeping my 10th graders.

Peace

John

06/03/2004

I realize I haven't offered my token "it's damn cold here" entry yet this year, so here it is.

It's damn cold. I sleep inside my sleeping bag, with capulana pants on, everything zipped up, windows closed, and still wake up cold. I boil 2/3 of a pot of water for a 2/3 full bucket and still freeze my ass off when I stop pouring water over myself to shave. That part is downright dangerous - shake and shave. Then I run out of the bathroom, put a t-shirt on under my dress shirt, then my fleece on top of that. When I get to school, my mouth and hands are still at 50% functionality and I can see my breath. I can see my students' breath too, in front of their crossed-arm, shivering bodies. Many don't have warm clothing, so arrive in their t-shirt and pants uniform - ironically, it's those of us who have the warm clothing who seem to be suffering more.

Every once in a while, I'll get the kids to do jumping jacks if they seem really frigid. But most of the time, we suffer together, but talking and walking keep me considerably warmer.

I came here the other day quite late and got out Nanosh' thermometer thinking "This is the coldest it's been yet!" I let it sit in the main room, and it dropped to a whopping 65 degrees F. Man, I am a weakling. What am I going to do when that's considered warm?

I was about to give my second class of the day when the Chemistry teacher took me aside and said, "The 11th and 12th grades haven't had a Chemistry teacher since the beginning of the year. As people know you're good at Chemistry, I was wondering if you might be able to do it. We'd arrange a Biology teacher to take your classes."

I immediately started considering it - the new challenges, new students (motivated and smart), new colleagues, material, etc. but leaving behind students I've befriended and gotten to trust me over a year and a half. Torn. So I asked some of my students who had shown up for an extra session. I knew how they would respond, but it convinced me that I need to finish the year with them. They need ME, just as much as I need them, which doesn't make for a great long-term relationship, but it'll do for another six months.

Peace

John