I spent a while thinking tonight about "Lucky Stiff", Ballroom Wednesdays, and just generally what my life was like before I came here. I miss that stuff because it was so nice to be among fun-loving people and learning how to do things while working hard.
Then I think about what my life is here and, well, I'm among fun-loving people and I'm learning how to do things while working hard.
So what I miss is that my world was small and I could wrap my head around it. Now, there are too many possibilities, including there being too many choices of places to settle down, people to spend time with, etc.
I'm constantly thinking romantic thoughts, narrowing my world down and pursuing a few things really well instead of everything half-assedly. But I know that once I narrow down my world, I'll constantly be pushing at the walls again.
And then the question of mortality pops into my brain, and just how fragile every life is. Should I be so carefree and idealistic as to base my desires on what I'm capable of - or should I plan around what will benefit others - or still just live each moment to the fullest?
I've come all this way, and I don't even know HOW I want to live. Right now, I'm doing what I want to do, but that's only due to a gut feeling. Is there more? Do I need to analytically determine exactly how I am to live my life?
But when I think about this, it seems ridiculous. If I'm to devote my waking hours to figuring out what I should do with my waking hours, I'm no better off than the risk-avoider who forgos "life" for "safety". It's safety that I can find, but only life that I can live. I suppose I could spend my time figuring out how best to use my time, but it's likely the answer would look a lot like what I'm currently doing.
So it's OK to drift off into good memories as long as I don't get caught up in replicating what can never happen again.
Peace
John
