Well, our second in-service training is over. And as Dennis suggested, when there's too much to write, start by saying that there's too much to write.
I'm in the post-IST slump which inevitably happens after seeing people constantly for a week and a half, now trying to get accustomed to the very different life of day-to-day matters, including projects and teaching. Not to mention shopping, cleaning and laundry.
Which has all made me miss home - the US - even more. In many ways, the volunteers have become a surrogate family for each other, but in my holding onto what I had as strongly as I am (in my mind at least), I haven't opened up to as many people here as I would have liked to...so far. And that goes for people around town and Americans as well. But as I'm making progress with that here in town, I'm still trying to figure Americans out.
In any case, I'm still taking everything one day at a time. Though I have been doing that for 10 months now.
My head's literally swimming with thoughts, ideas, anxieties, music, memories, responsibilities, smells, sights, and it all seems to be tempered by the fact that I go home in less than a year and a half. But at the same time, I may end up going to Europe - halfway, more or less. So does that make it feel like I didn't go home because I didn't want to, or that I wasn't planning on going in the first place, but I'm making a short exception.
I think maybe what my closeness problem with the other volunteers is, is that I really do rely upon myself for solving my problems and inevitably expect that of others in this new situation, though I grew out of thinking that way in the context of being in the US. I know that I need others as much as they need me, but by giving people the impression that I don't, then they don't seek me out when looking to solve their own problems.
I suppose that I have my own analytical self to blame for that. I feel every problem like a needle stuck in a fingertip and until I've taken care of the problem, it's sitting there, begging me to do something. And because I can't instantaneously solve my problems with other people, I turn inwards - mentally healthy but socially detrimental. There becomes such discord between how others perceive me and the person I really am, that it's hard to break the cycle.
And really, my problems need to be worked out with people around me...so I'm back to being more personally involved in the community.
In other news, I visited Sr. Bernardo and had dinner with him, talking for a couple hours about what's going on in the world and in Mozambique. Everyone else's host family seemed to have visible improvements to their homes from the stipend they received for hosting us, but my old house was devoid of major improvements. I hope they're saving the money!
We found some excellent restaurants in Maputo, including Thai and Indian restaurants tucked away in corners, offering great vegetarian options. We went out on the town a couple times and even had a party at another house where we ate black bean dip, hummus and salsa. Rarely have we been so happy.
We also discussed travel plans for the Christmas break and it seems that many people are going home for at least a couple weeks. A year ago, I couldn't imagine wanting to go back in the middle of things, but now I understand!
Tomorrow, I wake up at 6:30 to do laundry and warm up for handball. At 8:00 I go play until 10, when I come back, make breakfast and help Marcilio with some biology questions. Then, after showering and getting my things together, I will go to school for an 11:30 meeting with my HIV/AIDS activists. At 12:30, I will help lead the singing of the national anthem, then at 12:45 I will start teaching. As I will most likely be one of only a few teachers there, I should be able to get out early, do some shopping, including buying some bread, and be home at 6:00. I'll probably reheat the dinner I made for tonight, then plan an English lesson for a class at 7:00AM Tuesday.
I feel that if I were to integrate fully into the culture here, I would have to radically change who I am and not fill my day up with activities. I just don't see that happening. Maybe I'll never integrate completely, but at least I'll accomplish some of my own goals. That doesn't seem right. I'm not here for me.
I think what gets me is that in the US, we define ourselves by what we do, as here it matters more what relationships you build in doing things. I think there's a balance, however, and I can build relationships while getting things done. It's American to think that I will build relationships by doing things - I just need to always be ready to take a step back and relax, letting the situation do whatever it needs to.
It's not that by taking projects on I am ignoring how things work; as long as I understand that it will always be "hurry up and wait".
Well, I've been trying to describe an entire wall instead of one brick in the wall. So here goes my brick for the day -
I was sitting in the back left corner of the chapa to town today. In front of me on the floor, was the box containing the microscope sent from the States. The seat in front of me had no back and the three men to my right were taking up the entire back bench. As I had no space for my legs, I brought my left knee up, resting my foot on a peg of the backless seat in front. My right leg jointed at a 90 degree angle, butting my knee up against the leg of the man next to me. I put my arm behind everyone else, on top of the arm of the man in the right-most seat, and a girl got on, sitting in the seat in front of me. She leaned back, using my left leg as a chair. I looked out the window, through the ladder used to access the roof. It was a wonderful feeling, being so close to everyone else on the chapa and enjoying the sights on a beautiful, cool day. I was comfortable and realized I had nowhere better to be at that moment.
Peace
John
