We had a discussion about race today. I'm feeling quite disturbed from it, and I'm going to try and figure out why.
One member of our group brought up that he feels that it's very difficult for white America and specifically himself to talk about race without feeling like they might make a misstep and offend minorities. I said that I think he needs to put those concerns away and just be completely honest, because otherwise it's very difficult to have any open conversation, and that I was glad he was making the first step. It came off as very condescending (and it was), but I just felt that he was being incredibly naive and missing part of the point of being here in Mozambique. It really got to him, and when he told me his feelings, it really got to me. I'm not exactly sure I should have said what I did in an open forum with everyone listening, but I think I was demonstrating my own point - that you can't be afraid of offending anyone, because you do yourself a disservice. And of course I did, and now I feel shitty about it. Obviously my idealism needs some tweaking, but maybe his guardedness about his feelings needs to change as well. I think he might be afraid of his own viewpoints in the context of the group, which makes me feel cheated that I'm only getting to know one aspect of him, and that it's not real.
So even though we spoke, I don't think the air is completely cleared as to whether or not he is being honest AND whether or not I should expect this of everyone else. I know I'm not representative of the group as a whole, and that our main "dynamic" is not in the context of the group, it is as volunteers in a struggling country. I said that I think we need to focus on that, moreso than our own differences. I hate it when I get insular (thanks Steve) in a situation which demands thinking about others' needs. I hate being so sensitive to what other people think of me, and at the same time believing that I shouldn't worry what other people think of me. I think I know who I am, I'm just having a lot of issues with being comfortable with myself.
Now I've put my host brothers to sleep, and they wanted to play cards. So I'll stop for now and get back to what really matters - children.
Oh yeah, someone left today. I wish he the best of luck. I hope she hasn't opened the door for others.
I'm still searching for a lot in Mozambique, but I think it's becoming clear what I need to do in the next 6 weeks + of training.
#1 - I need to learn enough Portuguese. I'm learning a lot every day, and I understand more every day, but I still feel shaky trying to understand every bit of casual conversation and more than 50% of formal conversation. In my favor, my reading comprehension and translation is very good; I just don't understand (spoken language) too well just yet.
#2 - I need to come up with several large long-term goals for the people I will be working with, and allow for more goals to come about as a result of my interactions with them.
#3 - I want to maintain good relationships with the other trainees in order to keep me sane and in good spirits.
#4 - I want to maintain open relationships with weaker trainees (in terms of their commitment to staying in Mozambique) so as to help them continue their service.
#5 - I need to maintain connections to loved ones in the USA so that I can keep on loving the people as they are and not simple as the they were when I left.
Of course, I want to complete the rest of the training program, but my emphasis is also on these points.
It started raining today and there doesn't seem to be any sign of it letting up - welcome to the rainy season! It's quite chilly - below 60 F - which makes taking a bucket bath downright painful when the winds pick up.
I'm one of a few guys to be trying new facial hair on - I've got a decent goatee growing now. I'm planning getting rid of the moustache part and keeping the rest, once it's full enough.
Site visits next week. I sincerely hope that I end up in Tete, which is the newest province for PC. Apparently, the mountains are fantastic!
Peace,
John
