For some reason, I keep flashing back to a supermarket in rural Ohio that I was at in my last days there. I think it's a sanitary smell of carefully selected produce, somehow stuck in my nose. But all I know is that my mind flash-forwards to the last night I spent with someone I miss very much, and wonder why I gave all that up.
And then I think of the dark bowling alley where my fraternity surprised me by showing up en masse as a going-away celebration of a sort. It was the only surprise party I've ever had thrown for me, and I almost ruined it by over-planning my last weekend in Cleveland.
And I jump to saying goodbye to Eric and others in the fraternity whom I miss very much - leaning out the rental car window which was packed to the gills, just to get one last glimpse.
And of course saying goodbye to my parents when they dropped me off in Philadelphia, more aware of the experience I was in for than I could have ever been.
All these goodbyes produce a lot of anxieties in me, even now, because I wonder how much I will change and how much they will change - and then will I have to start over?
There's so much that I miss about the States that I'm willing to give up - but it hurts to do so.
Of course, there are things I don't miss.
But when I have to kick 60 out of my 400 kids out for cheating on the latest round of tests, and they leave laughing. I am utterly confused. Do I miss the American system - where cheaters are punished thoroughly (if caught) but students are so competitive that it can be downright ridiculous? Or is it actually healthy the way people laugh everything off? Maybe they realize formalized education isn't their thing - or maybe they think the system here is a joke and I'm taking it way too seriously.
Whatever it is, I'm beginning to learn how to deal with my missing things and people by finding things here and people here to appreciate - without trying to replace things or people in my "old" life. I don't think anyone here could replace my loved ones - and nobody back home could ever be the friends I have here.
I suppose maybe I'm looking for a balance - if I can be as happy with the people I'm close to here as I miss people back home, then I've reached a good balance.
My kids asked me about war today.
All I could say is that I don't like it.
Peace
John
