I have a cold today. Blah. The upside is that I've gotten a lot of Changana studying in and done not much else than cook and shop.
Of course, that's left plenty of time to think which can only be a bad thing. Like usual, thinking about why I'm here and not in America doing things for a community there - but I've got plenty of time for that, right?
I suppose it's natural to ponder my mortality at any given moment, but here I don't like doing it because death is so real and for me, so much scarier. I'm a believer in the theory that when we die, that's it.
Of course, it's quite a conundrum - this whole pondering death thing. From a purely selfish point of view, it doesn't matter at all what I do over the course of my life because the stuff that makes me who I am, a conscious being, will cease to be. So what's the big deal about doing anything?
But then, when you look at the big picture (like I have to do about spending 2 years here), it seems more and more obvious that everything you do is important and relevant, because the only immortality you have is in the mind of others. This is not to say that I feel I need to live my life in order to create a good image of myself for people to remember me by - but it is THE reason to be, and my little meaning of life.
So this is all meant to say that I shouldn't alter my behavior for the sake of perception, but that I should examine carefully why I behave in ways I'd rather not behave so I can figure out what's going on in my head. I want to experience so much, but it's difficult to truly absorb myself in something when I don't have a good grasp on my thoughts and processing of day-to-day life.
So maybe all this seems morbid and depressing, but to me it is wonderfully exciting to know I've got the ability to experience so much so intensely and share it with so many people!
That having been said, it's quite clear that the world is going to shit. The US wants to be in a war by St. Patrick's Day, Israel is bombing cars full of people, and half the world is walking the streets in protest of it all. I'd say it sounds like the 60s, but musicians who want to take political stands can't, out of fear. Music was the medium of protest for the last generation, and now it's completely censored. Or at least that's the impression I'm getting halfway around the world.
Peace
John
