I think I'm starting to feel the whole gravity of what I'm doing here. In one swell foop I watched a Mozambican teacher give a lesson that reiterated the fundamental weaknesses of the educational system, and was simultaneously reminded of how badly I'm f---ing things up with my carefully constructed life back in the States.
I was truly happy with myself and the people in my life when I left. I wasn't happy with my career, but it feels like I ended up cutting off my nose to spite my face. And when I keep looking at things in such a narrow-minded way, it seems plain that it was a dumb, dumb decision and I should try to remedy things by leaving immediately.
But as soon as I take a step back, the pessimistic core disappears when taken with the good I can do here and the love of my family and true friends. It almost starts to seem like 2 years is the least I can do. But what seems like the changing of my mood is really the changing of how much of the picture I'm seeing at the moment.
When I feel like I'm accomplishing something, the ball of cynicism fades away - but when I feel like I'm treading water, biding my time, all I can see are mistakes and doubts.
And so this swapping gets very tiring, because I just want to tell my brain to stick to the cause at hand. Learn more Portuguese, learn Changana, teach about HIV, share my teaching methods, share my work ethic, live up to my stated values for treating other people, control my temper, realize that taunting is just one form of misunderstanding, stay in shape, keep communicating with loved ones, keep an open mind, maintain that idealism, know that I don't need any more romance, cook and clean, stay healthy, look for ways to help, be patient, don't be stubborn, don't let principles get in the way of personal relationships or saving the world, save the world, be an example and not a lecturer, but lecture well when necessary, accept cultural differences, exact cultural understanding, keep working hard, don't complain, support others, don't patronize, don't alienate, listen without judging, realize that every day presents the same opportunities, wanting is laziness and laziness is apathy, apathy is my biggest opponent and biggest fear, love...
And so this swims around in my head all day long so maybe when someone asks me a question and they think I don't understand, it's because I'm trying to think about how I can possibly explain the honest answer.
Peace
John
