I woke up at 4:30 to travel down to the training site to train the trainees. I had 5 hours of "homework" tonight. The program should be good - or at least, it better be!
It's bizarre being at the training site and the only volunteer. It feels...backwards. But I get to misrepresent everyone else, which is fun.
All in all, it's starting to feel like it's been one year. I can tell my language is in a good place. I handled the ride down here so well I practically slept the entire time, and I'm generally comfortable.
It will be fun to see the new trainees come mid-October and have some real perspectives on how things are in the States right now.
I've been thinking about a quote that Ellen sent a while back by Thomas Edison. It roughly says that we would amaze ourselves if we did all we were capable of. Well, I think I'm trying to do that. Maybe "stress" wasn't in his vocabulary.
Maybe I can relax...Saturday. Yeah, Saturday.
Peace
John
Saturday, October 25, 2003
09/16/2003
I am a horrible person. Over the last two days, I've made two of my students cry. CRY. Today I also managed to break a window. Yet I also received unsolicited, unaccompanied comments that I'm giving good lessons, from my students.
The reason these students were crying is simple - I tore pages out of their notebooks.
Horrible!
You see, the notebook is sacred. It stays with them from 8th grade to 10th grade when they take the exam. They don't have books, so this is the only copy of the information available to them.
And I go to this poor country and start ripping their books up. Callous! But, like all teenagers, their attention span and work ethic is limited. They push all boundaries, laughing in the face of respect. I have recently made the rule that if you are doing other work in class - even if it's Biology - I will rip that page out of your book. Clearly, I start with a warning, then I only really have to do it once and they get the message. But it's traumatizing.
And proves I'm an asshole.
Yesterday, a girl sitting with her two friends (yes, three girls on a two-person seat by choice), was working, head buried in something other than Biology. So, naturally, I picked on her. I asked her a question obvious to the rest of the class who was listening. I gave her all the help I could, but she was simply incapable of using what she had written in her book. So I grabbed the book and tore out the page she was looking at. I told her it was because she didn't know how to use it, so what use was it to her?
I'm a pompous white guy.
I then used the page to, very snippily, demonstrate how to use the information by tearing it carefully along drawn lines. It was clear that she and the rest of the class got the point - and she was incredibly mad.
I spoke with her afterwards and she was still fuming. But I think, for the first time, I may have gotten the message across to her. "You're not here just to write and memorize. You need to be able to use the information. Or else it's no good to you." If she really wants the info back, she can copy it from someone else very easily.
Abominable!
And today, a girl was working on her drafting project. She had, bound, about 20 sheets. She was finishing up one of these sheets when I lost patience with her. I grabbed the project, asked her why she was doing this in my class and knew what I do when people do other work during my class. She begged forgiveness. I gave her a choice - I tear off one sheet or take it all, unharmed, and give it back next week. Knowing that she needed it this week, the choice was tough, but she went with tearing one sheet out. My heart almost went with it.
I know that I have to do these things in order for students to give themselves a fighting chance of learning during my lessons. Otherwise, they take advantage of every tiny little inch I give them. Talking, doing other work, and disrupting class are all huge for me.
Which leads me to the broken window. A student from a different turma than the one I was teaching walked in unannounced and without permission. I immediately told him to turn around and walk back out, fully intending to not let him in. He stood right up against the doorway. To drive home my point, I slammed the door. Mistake. The door adjoining it shook violently, knocking loose most of the glass in it and sending that glass crashing to the ground. Teachers came out and inquired about what happened. The student ended up cleaning all of it and will most likely end up paying. Do I feel good about that? No. Do I think he'll learn? Only not to enter MY room without knocking first.
Peace
John
The reason these students were crying is simple - I tore pages out of their notebooks.
Horrible!
You see, the notebook is sacred. It stays with them from 8th grade to 10th grade when they take the exam. They don't have books, so this is the only copy of the information available to them.
And I go to this poor country and start ripping their books up. Callous! But, like all teenagers, their attention span and work ethic is limited. They push all boundaries, laughing in the face of respect. I have recently made the rule that if you are doing other work in class - even if it's Biology - I will rip that page out of your book. Clearly, I start with a warning, then I only really have to do it once and they get the message. But it's traumatizing.
And proves I'm an asshole.
Yesterday, a girl sitting with her two friends (yes, three girls on a two-person seat by choice), was working, head buried in something other than Biology. So, naturally, I picked on her. I asked her a question obvious to the rest of the class who was listening. I gave her all the help I could, but she was simply incapable of using what she had written in her book. So I grabbed the book and tore out the page she was looking at. I told her it was because she didn't know how to use it, so what use was it to her?
I'm a pompous white guy.
I then used the page to, very snippily, demonstrate how to use the information by tearing it carefully along drawn lines. It was clear that she and the rest of the class got the point - and she was incredibly mad.
I spoke with her afterwards and she was still fuming. But I think, for the first time, I may have gotten the message across to her. "You're not here just to write and memorize. You need to be able to use the information. Or else it's no good to you." If she really wants the info back, she can copy it from someone else very easily.
Abominable!
And today, a girl was working on her drafting project. She had, bound, about 20 sheets. She was finishing up one of these sheets when I lost patience with her. I grabbed the project, asked her why she was doing this in my class and knew what I do when people do other work during my class. She begged forgiveness. I gave her a choice - I tear off one sheet or take it all, unharmed, and give it back next week. Knowing that she needed it this week, the choice was tough, but she went with tearing one sheet out. My heart almost went with it.
I know that I have to do these things in order for students to give themselves a fighting chance of learning during my lessons. Otherwise, they take advantage of every tiny little inch I give them. Talking, doing other work, and disrupting class are all huge for me.
Which leads me to the broken window. A student from a different turma than the one I was teaching walked in unannounced and without permission. I immediately told him to turn around and walk back out, fully intending to not let him in. He stood right up against the doorway. To drive home my point, I slammed the door. Mistake. The door adjoining it shook violently, knocking loose most of the glass in it and sending that glass crashing to the ground. Teachers came out and inquired about what happened. The student ended up cleaning all of it and will most likely end up paying. Do I feel good about that? No. Do I think he'll learn? Only not to enter MY room without knocking first.
Peace
John
09/15/2003
I think one of the largest factors in Americans producing less great literature and in general, artwork, is because we study only the best books, the best artwork. We are condemned to repeating the greatness of others before us, and leaving those who want to do something new to have to look between the pillars of established brilliance. We don't study the bad in order to see why it's bad and how we can eliminate what we see as bad from our own artisitic production, or at least not usually.
I think that's why I've got a good eye for directing stage productions. I've seen a bunch of shitty productions. I've been in a bunch more. I know what I DON'T want to do and then try everything else.
I think studying only great works limits the mind as to what is "quality". It sets out to define good and leaves bad for everything else. Since a line between good and bad has to be drawn, why not define bad and leave good open-ended? I feel like artworks, per capita, were of higher quality before our educational system stepped in. It seems that the good are a departure from the normal as opposed to a manifestation of the normal.
Like this book I'm reading. It's not good. I keep reading because there are flashes (think a VERY light electrical storm) of brilliance padded by pompous, unnecessary autobiography. The irony. Sometimes I feel like that could describe how I feel about this journal.
But the point is, as educational systems become more developed, we tend to look only to change the problems - "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." But as everyone knows, there's always another way. And you don't know if it's better or not until you've tried it. So maybe it's time to look at every aspect of our own education with the same scrutiny that we use to look at the stated problems.
As to my current situation, the spirit of challenging assumptions is useful only on an individual level. I think the Mozambican system is too preoccupied with the basics - money, teachers, basic competencies, etc. - to worry about reworking the teaching of basic algebra. (Which, may I say in an oversized parenthetical statement inspired by my entry last night, was readily apparent when I asked for someone to demonstrate 25%. It was quite the challenge for my youngest and brightest students. Sometimes I think it would be fun to teach math, but also incredibly frustrating.)
I'm also frustrated by the lack of study skills, even on the part of the best students. Homework is rarely, if ever, done at home (the exception seems to be for the night English classes, where the students really have a vested interest). Students study for tests by simply memorizing the information and doing that fairly poorly.
I guess sometimes I get jaded.
Today I gave a double lesson to a turma that had one lesson the entire day before me, out of four that should have been given. Why am I so concerned about the quality of my lessons when I'm at least giving them?
I told the kids that I'm not going to be around later this week, and their reaction was along the lines of "Wow, finally!".
Peace
John
I think that's why I've got a good eye for directing stage productions. I've seen a bunch of shitty productions. I've been in a bunch more. I know what I DON'T want to do and then try everything else.
I think studying only great works limits the mind as to what is "quality". It sets out to define good and leaves bad for everything else. Since a line between good and bad has to be drawn, why not define bad and leave good open-ended? I feel like artworks, per capita, were of higher quality before our educational system stepped in. It seems that the good are a departure from the normal as opposed to a manifestation of the normal.
Like this book I'm reading. It's not good. I keep reading because there are flashes (think a VERY light electrical storm) of brilliance padded by pompous, unnecessary autobiography. The irony. Sometimes I feel like that could describe how I feel about this journal.
But the point is, as educational systems become more developed, we tend to look only to change the problems - "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." But as everyone knows, there's always another way. And you don't know if it's better or not until you've tried it. So maybe it's time to look at every aspect of our own education with the same scrutiny that we use to look at the stated problems.
As to my current situation, the spirit of challenging assumptions is useful only on an individual level. I think the Mozambican system is too preoccupied with the basics - money, teachers, basic competencies, etc. - to worry about reworking the teaching of basic algebra. (Which, may I say in an oversized parenthetical statement inspired by my entry last night, was readily apparent when I asked for someone to demonstrate 25%. It was quite the challenge for my youngest and brightest students. Sometimes I think it would be fun to teach math, but also incredibly frustrating.)
I'm also frustrated by the lack of study skills, even on the part of the best students. Homework is rarely, if ever, done at home (the exception seems to be for the night English classes, where the students really have a vested interest). Students study for tests by simply memorizing the information and doing that fairly poorly.
I guess sometimes I get jaded.
Today I gave a double lesson to a turma that had one lesson the entire day before me, out of four that should have been given. Why am I so concerned about the quality of my lessons when I'm at least giving them?
I told the kids that I'm not going to be around later this week, and their reaction was along the lines of "Wow, finally!".
Peace
John
09/14/2003
It was home improvement weekend, and it feels good to get so much done. I repaired (though it fell apart again, partially) our couch, built and installed a screen door, replaced a light fixture, wired up another light fixture and outlet, retaped some of the window screens, and carved a pumpkin. (That's home improvement because it makes me feel all warm inside.) Apart from the physical changes in the house, I cut myself twice, once badly enough to almost cause me to pass out (which is to say, not that badly, because I have some automatic psychological reaction seeing my own blood - other peoples' blood doesn't bother me). I electrocuted my left hand testing a fluorescent light (teaching me that it's a good idea not to leave open connections on wiring inside a conductive base), and burned myself cooking some of the pumpkin (made EXCELLENT curried pumpkin and also roasted the seeds).
Amazingly, I have no wounds to show for my screen door. All told, it cost the equivalent of $40 US dollars (wood, screening, nails, screws, hinges, latching mechanism I rigged up in my head but never actually implemented), and about two weeks to gather all the materials. (You can't exactly run down to Home Depot, you know.) It took about 4 hours to do it, and I did a perfectly half-assed job. Though not completely my fault that nails and screws here are very cheaply made, I was out the proper tools and enough wood. I only had enough money for 13 meters and I really needed 16 to do a good job. Since wood is a 1.5 mile walk away, I think I'll hold off on finishing it up until I'm in the area.
All told, I'm happy. It feels good to do manual labor and have something to show for it. But is that really what I'm here for? My students agree that maybe the owners of the house should be fixing it up, but anyone with a landlord knows what's easier.
I had some very vivid dreams last night - odd because I kept waking up, deciding I wanted to sleep more, and then continuing the same dream (although this shouldn't seem odd anymore, because I'm on mephloquine). I think, to some extent, I could control what was going on in the dream (is that lucid?) Fun stuff.
This journal entry has been brought to you by hard work, pumpkins and the opening and closing parentheses.
Peace
John
Amazingly, I have no wounds to show for my screen door. All told, it cost the equivalent of $40 US dollars (wood, screening, nails, screws, hinges, latching mechanism I rigged up in my head but never actually implemented), and about two weeks to gather all the materials. (You can't exactly run down to Home Depot, you know.) It took about 4 hours to do it, and I did a perfectly half-assed job. Though not completely my fault that nails and screws here are very cheaply made, I was out the proper tools and enough wood. I only had enough money for 13 meters and I really needed 16 to do a good job. Since wood is a 1.5 mile walk away, I think I'll hold off on finishing it up until I'm in the area.
All told, I'm happy. It feels good to do manual labor and have something to show for it. But is that really what I'm here for? My students agree that maybe the owners of the house should be fixing it up, but anyone with a landlord knows what's easier.
I had some very vivid dreams last night - odd because I kept waking up, deciding I wanted to sleep more, and then continuing the same dream (although this shouldn't seem odd anymore, because I'm on mephloquine). I think, to some extent, I could control what was going on in the dream (is that lucid?) Fun stuff.
This journal entry has been brought to you by hard work, pumpkins and the opening and closing parentheses.
Peace
John
Saturday, October 04, 2003
10/04/2003
THIS IS MOM --- WITH JOHN'S 9/9 THROUGH 9/13 POSTINGS, CAME A WRITE-UP ON HIV/AIDS HE HAD DONE AT THE REQUEST OF A FRIEND FROM PEOPLE INTERNATIONAL. I THOUGHT I'D SHARE IT WITH YOU.
AIDS in Africa
Living in Mozambique, I have found that it's harder to find proof of the AIDS pandemic here in the middle of it. Back in the US, I could read every day about some study done in sub-Saharan African that confirmed the sorry state of affairs. But like being in the eye of a hurricane, the impending disaster is invisible and easily - if not necessarily - ignored.
Yet having been exposed only to the Western "let's beat this thing" mentality, I arrived fully expecting to see manifestations of the same philosophy. It surprised me to see graffiti on trees saying "AIDS exists". Was this the crux of the battle? Had AIDS so devastated a people that the main problem was admitting its very existence?
So I arrived in C--- in December of 2002, motivated but unprepared to help. A colleague in nearby H--- told me about the daily funerals going by his house - and how, when nobody says why they died, he knows it was because of AIDS. I saw the ubiquitous red ribbons, condoms being sold in every market, posters advocating getting tested, hospitals devoted to HIV prevention; in short, I saw the Western approach to fighting HIV/AIDS.
When I started teaching, I similarly took the Western approach. Get the information out, people will internalize the information out of fear, people will change their behavior. My lessons were well-received, and I was well-appreciated as a living, breathing resource, but it was clear I was just dancing in the eye of the hurricane.
I knew that around me, somewhere, 30% of the people in C--- were HIV-positive. Thirty percent. That means that, in a society where multiple sexual partners are not only accepted but encouraged, if you had two sexual partners, then you could almost bet that one of you three was HIV-positive.
The problem is not what behavior to change, but how to change it. People are stubborn in any culture, but Africa is more connected with their ancient culture than what an outsider sees. It is easy to see secondhand clothes, hear American music, see Portuguese-style homes, watch Japanese cars drive by, and eat foods produced by European companies. But what lies in the heart of most Africans is a uniform spirit that no Westerner can ever completely understand.
So here I stood, finally seeing the impending storm by going to funerals, testing centers, hospitals, traditional healers, and honestly speaking with my students. But all I was doing was seeing it. And it's all I can ever do, for I am forever American and I think American thoughts. I want to tell my students that they should just cut down on sexual partners and use condoms. But all I am doing is talking.
What I realized - and this word is important, REALIZED, as in my entire being stopped for a second and said "Aha!" - is that I am not the agent of change, but merely someone who can help it along. I realized that change, real change, comes from the inside. This is an idea I had known for quite a long time, but was too scared by the consequences when it came to fighting HIV/AIDS. The truth is, I had no idea how to harness this change and spirit in others.
Little by little, I am learning. I have a group of student activists who are growing pleasingly impatient. They want to make the mistakes I made, and faster than I made them. I'm letting them go in most directions, and only nudging them away from directions where they will just stall and lose their passion. And every so often, they find success where I found a dead end. After all, they are a part of the community and know how to communicate the message competently. They have a drive and desire to help their community and avoid what they see every day in their villages - the sick, the orphaned, the grieving.
These students are starting to see that the face of AIDS is both familiar and deceiving. They are starting to see that families, which are so critical to African life, are getting smaller and younger. So it is they who walk directly into the storm and fight it, while I get as close as I can.
AIDS in Africa
Living in Mozambique, I have found that it's harder to find proof of the AIDS pandemic here in the middle of it. Back in the US, I could read every day about some study done in sub-Saharan African that confirmed the sorry state of affairs. But like being in the eye of a hurricane, the impending disaster is invisible and easily - if not necessarily - ignored.
Yet having been exposed only to the Western "let's beat this thing" mentality, I arrived fully expecting to see manifestations of the same philosophy. It surprised me to see graffiti on trees saying "AIDS exists". Was this the crux of the battle? Had AIDS so devastated a people that the main problem was admitting its very existence?
So I arrived in C--- in December of 2002, motivated but unprepared to help. A colleague in nearby H--- told me about the daily funerals going by his house - and how, when nobody says why they died, he knows it was because of AIDS. I saw the ubiquitous red ribbons, condoms being sold in every market, posters advocating getting tested, hospitals devoted to HIV prevention; in short, I saw the Western approach to fighting HIV/AIDS.
When I started teaching, I similarly took the Western approach. Get the information out, people will internalize the information out of fear, people will change their behavior. My lessons were well-received, and I was well-appreciated as a living, breathing resource, but it was clear I was just dancing in the eye of the hurricane.
I knew that around me, somewhere, 30% of the people in C--- were HIV-positive. Thirty percent. That means that, in a society where multiple sexual partners are not only accepted but encouraged, if you had two sexual partners, then you could almost bet that one of you three was HIV-positive.
The problem is not what behavior to change, but how to change it. People are stubborn in any culture, but Africa is more connected with their ancient culture than what an outsider sees. It is easy to see secondhand clothes, hear American music, see Portuguese-style homes, watch Japanese cars drive by, and eat foods produced by European companies. But what lies in the heart of most Africans is a uniform spirit that no Westerner can ever completely understand.
So here I stood, finally seeing the impending storm by going to funerals, testing centers, hospitals, traditional healers, and honestly speaking with my students. But all I was doing was seeing it. And it's all I can ever do, for I am forever American and I think American thoughts. I want to tell my students that they should just cut down on sexual partners and use condoms. But all I am doing is talking.
What I realized - and this word is important, REALIZED, as in my entire being stopped for a second and said "Aha!" - is that I am not the agent of change, but merely someone who can help it along. I realized that change, real change, comes from the inside. This is an idea I had known for quite a long time, but was too scared by the consequences when it came to fighting HIV/AIDS. The truth is, I had no idea how to harness this change and spirit in others.
Little by little, I am learning. I have a group of student activists who are growing pleasingly impatient. They want to make the mistakes I made, and faster than I made them. I'm letting them go in most directions, and only nudging them away from directions where they will just stall and lose their passion. And every so often, they find success where I found a dead end. After all, they are a part of the community and know how to communicate the message competently. They have a drive and desire to help their community and avoid what they see every day in their villages - the sick, the orphaned, the grieving.
These students are starting to see that the face of AIDS is both familiar and deceiving. They are starting to see that families, which are so critical to African life, are getting smaller and younger. So it is they who walk directly into the storm and fight it, while I get as close as I can.
09/13/2003
It's just about a year since I left Cleveland. I don't miss anybody any less, much to the chagrin of those people. I was asking myself how I could miss them for one year - and now I know.
America almost seems like a dream state. It seems too good to be true, given what I know to be true and choose to forget.
I think I'm still coming out of my shell - I haven't yet been to the club alone. But I also haven't arranged for a time to go with any of my friends (Mozambican friends) here. I think it's because I'm afraid of the cultural expectations - money, alcohol, women. I can handle my dissonance with American values, but I don't want to offend an African after I've invited them to go dancing.
So I'm listening to it, knowing that 95% of my students can't afford to go (though the one kid I paid for a month ago in return for discipline inside the classroom, has paid off, so maybe I should start doing that more often). Given my latest home improvement work, I can't really afford to go, either! But I don't feel so bad about being here, though I should at least "take around" and see people.
I guess I'm content to stare at the greener grass in America, or what I think is greener. I know I'll miss a ton about being here, now that new secrets are revealed every day. But I wish somehow that my two worlds could permanently co-exist.
Next week will be my first taste of training from a volunteer's perspective. I've got a lot to do, but as usual, I'm looking forward to the challenge.
I thought tonight about how random it is that I am where I am, and I know who I do. I could have gone to college in North Carolina or ended up a volunteer in China. My best friends could have been wildly different - but then I rethink things and it seems to make sense. No matter what the circumstances are, I would have sought out certain people and made the most out of the situation. Strange how I've found myself across the world.
Peace
John
America almost seems like a dream state. It seems too good to be true, given what I know to be true and choose to forget.
I think I'm still coming out of my shell - I haven't yet been to the club alone. But I also haven't arranged for a time to go with any of my friends (Mozambican friends) here. I think it's because I'm afraid of the cultural expectations - money, alcohol, women. I can handle my dissonance with American values, but I don't want to offend an African after I've invited them to go dancing.
So I'm listening to it, knowing that 95% of my students can't afford to go (though the one kid I paid for a month ago in return for discipline inside the classroom, has paid off, so maybe I should start doing that more often). Given my latest home improvement work, I can't really afford to go, either! But I don't feel so bad about being here, though I should at least "take around" and see people.
I guess I'm content to stare at the greener grass in America, or what I think is greener. I know I'll miss a ton about being here, now that new secrets are revealed every day. But I wish somehow that my two worlds could permanently co-exist.
Next week will be my first taste of training from a volunteer's perspective. I've got a lot to do, but as usual, I'm looking forward to the challenge.
I thought tonight about how random it is that I am where I am, and I know who I do. I could have gone to college in North Carolina or ended up a volunteer in China. My best friends could have been wildly different - but then I rethink things and it seems to make sense. No matter what the circumstances are, I would have sought out certain people and made the most out of the situation. Strange how I've found myself across the world.
Peace
John
09/12/2003
I yelled at Diamentino today after talking to his neighbors and telling them what he had done. Yet he's still being vague and unapologetic, trying to con his way out of it. We set a hard deadline for Monday to get the money in - and now he believes that I would go to the police. Unfortunately, I'm not sure he realizes that going to the police means I don't see the money AND I make him a lifelong enemy. Neither is something I want. It would be nice if trust didn't have so many strings attached to it. If you could just turn it on and off, and that would be the end of the story.
This has been a hard week. Classes have been excruciating. I kicked about 6 unresponsive students out of my first class, then let my last two turmas go because we were celebrating another teacher's birthday. I got served chicken, and again ate it.
But I think I've hit the wall in a sense. I've gotten to the point where I've simplifed the information as much as possible without completely scrapping the curriculum, and even when the information has been written, received and utilized by the student individually or in groups, they are still incapable of simply looking at and using the information sitting right in front of them. I called on several girls today who stared off in every direction when I called on them to simply look in their book and read off a list. I said I would throw them out if they didn't try. They didn't even have to be correct. They didn't try. I threw them out.
What kills me is that there ARE plenty of girls (and boys) who are capable and even understand some of the information. But most have been so conditioned to simply follow along and od what everyone else does that they are incapable of thinking independently. That isn't quite right. It would be better to say that they've never been rewarded for thinking independently. They refuse to answer (I think) because they have no hope of being correct. Though more than half the time, they ARE correct.
So this is the wall. I've stripped down all the extraneous information, memorized answers in other words, any excuse not to see the plain truth. These girls are never individually addressed and so they never look at their education as being anything other than a certificate at the end of it all. Imagine, if you could hide in a class of 50 for your entire life, never once peeping out, doing what everyone else is doing.
This is something I had to discover for myself. Like education, the only things you remember are the things you internalize. You come up with better and more efficient ways to internalize and you're a better learner. I had to hit this wall head on.
So where do I go from here? How do I have a prayer of educating these girls? Or do I simply leave my idealism at the door and worry about the students I can actually help? That doesn't sound like me. I wanted a challenge and I've got it.
How do you motivate the un-motivatable?
Peace
John
This has been a hard week. Classes have been excruciating. I kicked about 6 unresponsive students out of my first class, then let my last two turmas go because we were celebrating another teacher's birthday. I got served chicken, and again ate it.
But I think I've hit the wall in a sense. I've gotten to the point where I've simplifed the information as much as possible without completely scrapping the curriculum, and even when the information has been written, received and utilized by the student individually or in groups, they are still incapable of simply looking at and using the information sitting right in front of them. I called on several girls today who stared off in every direction when I called on them to simply look in their book and read off a list. I said I would throw them out if they didn't try. They didn't even have to be correct. They didn't try. I threw them out.
What kills me is that there ARE plenty of girls (and boys) who are capable and even understand some of the information. But most have been so conditioned to simply follow along and od what everyone else does that they are incapable of thinking independently. That isn't quite right. It would be better to say that they've never been rewarded for thinking independently. They refuse to answer (I think) because they have no hope of being correct. Though more than half the time, they ARE correct.
So this is the wall. I've stripped down all the extraneous information, memorized answers in other words, any excuse not to see the plain truth. These girls are never individually addressed and so they never look at their education as being anything other than a certificate at the end of it all. Imagine, if you could hide in a class of 50 for your entire life, never once peeping out, doing what everyone else is doing.
This is something I had to discover for myself. Like education, the only things you remember are the things you internalize. You come up with better and more efficient ways to internalize and you're a better learner. I had to hit this wall head on.
So where do I go from here? How do I have a prayer of educating these girls? Or do I simply leave my idealism at the door and worry about the students I can actually help? That doesn't sound like me. I wanted a challenge and I've got it.
How do you motivate the un-motivatable?
Peace
John
09/11/2003
I've had a rough past couple of days. School has been stressing me out because the kids have become unruly zombies. I don't know how to motivate them even to simply think. I know it's a city thing - all of us who teach in cities feel this way. But it doesn't make it much easier.
I'm finding myself looking forward to the next couple weeks, months, year and not seeing a lot of breathing room. I'll find it soon enough.
Interestingly, nothing was made of the two-year anniversary of 9/11. I suspected someone would notice, but rather happily, it passed without fanfare.
I'm too tired to get philosophical.
Peace
John
I'm finding myself looking forward to the next couple weeks, months, year and not seeing a lot of breathing room. I'll find it soon enough.
Interestingly, nothing was made of the two-year anniversary of 9/11. I suspected someone would notice, but rather happily, it passed without fanfare.
I'm too tired to get philosophical.
Peace
John
09/09/2003
It's really amazing how critical making mistakes is to learning - so much so that it must be an integral aspect of teaching, but it is such a fine art that it seems to be the hardest part of teaching. How do you encourage mistakes in your students without making the material too difficult and alientating them? Likewise, where is the line on making things too easy? And then, once mistakes are made, how do you go about helping the students resolve them? What methods are most effective for internalizing mistakes without simply memorizing the correct answer?
I think I've already discovered that simply correcting doesn't work. I actually knew that pretty early on in high school when I started tutoring others. But how do you explain a concept to a mind that is not trained to see concepts, but only facts? I think, as I've already discovered, that this is my biggest challenge. I really don't know how to motivate a student to try hard enough to internalize a single concept, because I'm not familiar enough with how the Mozambican mind works. So I spend 45 minutes hammering out one concept to 25% of the students reasonably well. Incredibly, this is more than they internalize in any other subject, as far as I can tell. But they are often successful in doing what other teachers ask for, whereas they routinely fail what I ask for.
As far as English teaching goes, I'm intrigued by this different mode and style of teaching. These are students who have naturally honed language learning skills, but the classroom techniques seem to rarely match up with how they REALLY learn language. I'm just starting to discover how I can match these two areas up.
It seems like the two opposing teaching methodologies can be put on a spectrum. On one side is pure mimetics where the teacher is knower of all and the students' responsibilities are to replicate as exactly as possible the teacher, in language, mannerisms, and techniques. The teacher in this philosophy is infallible and the ultimate goal of the learner. A perfect score on the part of the learner means that the learner has achieved the knowledge of the teacher, which is never possible.
On the other side of the spectrum is pure facilitation, where the teacher is not required to know anything about the discipline taught, but rather be a master of organizing and manipulating the students to discover the information. The teacher is completely fallible and is learning along with the students. Questions are redirected to the students in different ways in order to promote independent learning. A total community-learning atmosphere is promoted and the overall goal is very vague, unlike the mimetics where there are precise goals and measurable progress. The teacher as facilitator approach does not see testing as a good way to evaluate learning.
OK, so I just used the passive voice and far too much pompous language. Plus, I stole ideas from other people who I refuse to credit, but you get my point. I'm simply saying that there seems to be two extremes of teaching and classroom styles and 99% of teachers fall somewhere in the middle. And this doesn't even account for the fact vs theory-based approach. Do you memorize a multiplication table or learn WHY 6 times 5 is 30? So Dover is the capital of Delaware, but what were the historical events that led to this? The fact-based approach is results-based and is more appropriate for certain disciplines and parts of disciplines. For instance, language vocabulary. Unless you really want to derive the origins of every single word, you're going to just have to memorize words. But once you learn how verbs work in a language, you don't have to memorize every single conjugation of every single verb.
So it seems there are four points to a teaching philosophy all told, forming a cross where in the middle is found a teacher who asks the students to discover how best to imitate the teacher's knowledge, which is theory-backed but generously sprinkled with facts.
Is this where I'm headed? Or do I really want to try heading into the undocumented world of teacher-as-facilitator? I'm pushing myself towards it, but is it getting me anywhere? I noticed today that my students were frustrated that I wasn't simply correcting their errors, but I know that if I did, they would simply memorize what I called "right". Not even giving them the opportunity means that they'll have to necessarily discriminate. But does that mean I'm a bad teacher because I don't correct my students' errors?
I bought a pumpkin today for about 40 cents and it is quite heavy. I thought my jaw was going to hit the ground when the vendor said the price. Baked pumpkin seeds this week!
Peace
John
I think I've already discovered that simply correcting doesn't work. I actually knew that pretty early on in high school when I started tutoring others. But how do you explain a concept to a mind that is not trained to see concepts, but only facts? I think, as I've already discovered, that this is my biggest challenge. I really don't know how to motivate a student to try hard enough to internalize a single concept, because I'm not familiar enough with how the Mozambican mind works. So I spend 45 minutes hammering out one concept to 25% of the students reasonably well. Incredibly, this is more than they internalize in any other subject, as far as I can tell. But they are often successful in doing what other teachers ask for, whereas they routinely fail what I ask for.
As far as English teaching goes, I'm intrigued by this different mode and style of teaching. These are students who have naturally honed language learning skills, but the classroom techniques seem to rarely match up with how they REALLY learn language. I'm just starting to discover how I can match these two areas up.
It seems like the two opposing teaching methodologies can be put on a spectrum. On one side is pure mimetics where the teacher is knower of all and the students' responsibilities are to replicate as exactly as possible the teacher, in language, mannerisms, and techniques. The teacher in this philosophy is infallible and the ultimate goal of the learner. A perfect score on the part of the learner means that the learner has achieved the knowledge of the teacher, which is never possible.
On the other side of the spectrum is pure facilitation, where the teacher is not required to know anything about the discipline taught, but rather be a master of organizing and manipulating the students to discover the information. The teacher is completely fallible and is learning along with the students. Questions are redirected to the students in different ways in order to promote independent learning. A total community-learning atmosphere is promoted and the overall goal is very vague, unlike the mimetics where there are precise goals and measurable progress. The teacher as facilitator approach does not see testing as a good way to evaluate learning.
OK, so I just used the passive voice and far too much pompous language. Plus, I stole ideas from other people who I refuse to credit, but you get my point. I'm simply saying that there seems to be two extremes of teaching and classroom styles and 99% of teachers fall somewhere in the middle. And this doesn't even account for the fact vs theory-based approach. Do you memorize a multiplication table or learn WHY 6 times 5 is 30? So Dover is the capital of Delaware, but what were the historical events that led to this? The fact-based approach is results-based and is more appropriate for certain disciplines and parts of disciplines. For instance, language vocabulary. Unless you really want to derive the origins of every single word, you're going to just have to memorize words. But once you learn how verbs work in a language, you don't have to memorize every single conjugation of every single verb.
So it seems there are four points to a teaching philosophy all told, forming a cross where in the middle is found a teacher who asks the students to discover how best to imitate the teacher's knowledge, which is theory-backed but generously sprinkled with facts.
Is this where I'm headed? Or do I really want to try heading into the undocumented world of teacher-as-facilitator? I'm pushing myself towards it, but is it getting me anywhere? I noticed today that my students were frustrated that I wasn't simply correcting their errors, but I know that if I did, they would simply memorize what I called "right". Not even giving them the opportunity means that they'll have to necessarily discriminate. But does that mean I'm a bad teacher because I don't correct my students' errors?
I bought a pumpkin today for about 40 cents and it is quite heavy. I thought my jaw was going to hit the ground when the vendor said the price. Baked pumpkin seeds this week!
Peace
John
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