Well, technically it's Friday and it's three weeks that I've been back in the States. I feel like it's been a WHOLE lot longer than that as all of the old routines and memories have come back so easily. I feel almost like I've lost all of the habits I had in Africa in terms of talking with people and just in general taking life so moment-by-moment. I want to stop using the computer and the TV and all of that. Actually, I think I'm making progress. I toured some of the parts of Canton and Collinsville that I haven't been back to for quite a while today. I took a walk in the reservoir, and bought myself a Spanish book to seriously study. What I really need to do is finish the job search, which I'm closing in on. I've pretty much settled on teaching, and there's this great fellows program in place in NYC, DC and Miami. So I'm applying to these programs, and hopefully I'll get accepted to at least one of them and be able to teach later this year. Once that's done, I'll be able to actually focus on what's important, spend less time on the computer, less time watching TV and movies, and more time just being.
I think I needed this time, though, just to let my body catch up and do all those things for which it was in withdrawal. But I'm running out of excuses for being lazy, and I'm feeling like I'm slipping into a depression. Which everyone says is "normal" ... screw that. It may be perfectly normal, but I refuse to slip into it. I'm going to remain active until it gets warm enough so that I can get my bike out and be a bike freak again. That will make me feel a LOT better. I may get a laptop and a cellphone so that I can be mobile and not feel so tied down. But then again, I don't have that much money! We'll see.
So what's the plan? Keep on with jobs until I feel pretty assured that I've got something, do some temporary work if need be, visit people, get in shape (which is actually very important to staying sane), and try to be a good son and friend. I feel like that's not enough, but I'll find more to keep me busy.
Peace,
John
Friday, February 25, 2005
12/19/04
I cooked some meat tonight and my hands still reek of it. Though it was quite good. Just hope I cooked it well enough -- we'll find out by morning, I suppose.
Mainly just lied around today and watched movies. I'm getting my fill for sure. Zimbabwe is turning out to be quite relaxing and a half-way to the States. I don't think that I'll go and see Victoria Falls, but I'm definitely going to go to the Great Zimbabwe and also see a little of Harare, the capital.
I'll call allison on Thursday to see if she'll be at site next week -- if not, I'll just give myself an extra day to get to Nampula.
Peace,
John
Mainly just lied around today and watched movies. I'm getting my fill for sure. Zimbabwe is turning out to be quite relaxing and a half-way to the States. I don't think that I'll go and see Victoria Falls, but I'm definitely going to go to the Great Zimbabwe and also see a little of Harare, the capital.
I'll call allison on Thursday to see if she'll be at site next week -- if not, I'll just give myself an extra day to get to Nampula.
Peace,
John
Thursday, February 24, 2005
12/18/04
[N.B. I wrote this entry as a series of brief notes to myself, which I almost never do. I'm expanding it now into something a little bit more ... literary. Also, I have changed names of people and places as Zim's government is a little sensitive about people reporting anything on local conditions.]
So, on Wednesday at 2pm we found ourselves BACK in Chokwe as the chapa had to turn around. No water crossing for us. So we all went to the train station, to catch the train that was supposed to leave at 6pm. I asked at 5pm, and they said 7pm. I asked at 6pm and they said 10pm. Yada yada. So me and the Zims huddled together and we dozed for most of the evening, until about 12am (Thursday) when we bought tickets for the train. It arrived at 1am, and then began the chaos.
We had been waiting with approximately 200-300 other people, most with a TON of cargo loaded into waiting train cars. Many market woman returning to their homes in the north of Gaza, some Zimbabweans headed back home after buying and selling goods that are much more affordable than in their own country. And so the train arrived FULL from Maputo (it took 12 hours to get from Maputo, a trip that takes 3 hours in a car or chapa). That meant we had to all squeeze on. This required a mad dash as soon as the train arrived, in the dark, through puddles of who knows what, just to find a car that you could hang off of until people made enough space inside just to stand in wall-to-wall humanity. I laughed out of necessity the entire time. I was smiling because it was one of those moments where I knew I was having a wonderful experience and could afford to recognize it.
12 hours later, we arrived in Chicualacuala. We departed Chokwe at 2am, as it took an hour to load everything. I spent the night very close to my locked bag, with nothing in my pockets, luggage key in my sock, money in my other shoe, random change and train ticket in my hat. I was bundled up as there were no doors or windows to protect from the wind. I tried sleeping standing up unsuccessfully, then managed to push enough people inches away from me to squat down and try and get some sleep, but to no avail as an ankle or leg was always turned the wrong way. After a while, I stood back up as it was more comfortable and essentially kept this pattern until the late morning, when I just stood up from sheer exhaustion! At a few stops, me and the Zim husband would jump out of the train and take a breather, talking about the differences between Mozambique and Zimbabwe. And complaining about the conditions. But it was all funny. Well, now, but maybe not at the time.
So we arrived at the border at 1pm Thursday and after navigating to the actual crossing, waiting for the immigration official (who I knew and helped me out), I crossed into Zimbabwe at 3pm. I got on a bus, hoping to be in Bulawayo by nightfall so that I could find somewhere to sleep there. Believing it was a three hour ride, I knew I was cutting it close.
Well, there are no surprises. It ended up leaving at 6pm, just to be stopped by border police. I fell asleep on the crowded bus next to a woman who was twice my size and eating food that smelled SO good. I had thrown away food just an hour into the train ride because it was crowding me and everyone else. Now I was regretting that. I vowed to be more opportunistic with food from now on. I woke up at 12:30am Friday as we were taking a long break to let the driver rest. We had already stopped to fix the engine and a flat. We weren't yet in Bulawayo. I bought some much needed food, made friends with a young Zim Humphrey who helped me out. On his advice, I realized there was no point in stopping in Bulawayo and bought a ticket to get me into Harare. We passed Bulawayo at 2am.
At 10am on Friday we arrived in Harare. Humphrey took me to his neighborhood, introduced me to a few friends, then at my urging got me to a bus to take me to Beitbridge. I was very thankful, but impatient as I desperately needed a full sit-down meal, shower, and bathroom. I hadn't pooped since Wednesday morning. I had successfully constipated myself.
I got on the Beitbridge bus at 11:30am, and it left almost right away. It was quite a nice bus, like American buses, but no bathroom. I knew I was close, even though I had gone way out of may going to Harare. Though it was the only relatively safe way to get there. I don't suggest travelling at night, however. That was quite the hair-raising experience. It was better than trying to find a place to stay in the middle of the night in a strange town in a strange country all alone with a big bag.
I got into Beitbridge about 4pm and a man who I met on the bus showed me to the right combi (Zim chapa) to get me to Valley 10, Oscar's village. At 4:30pm Friday, after consulting with another friendly man, I got to Oscar's house and finally sat down. I went into town with Oscar and a friend, we got fast food pizza and walked around town for a bit (seeing all the Christmas lights) before heading back home for a wonderful night's sleep in chilly Beitbridge in a queen bed in a room in my own!
Today, Saturday, I watched movies at Oscar's house, went into town, got sadza (xima in Moz, or polenta in US) for lunch, saw the flea market, did some internet, came back to the house to watch more movies, met with an older artist who bought us some traditional beer that looks like puke and tastes marginally better. And he gave us more movies to watch. You can say I went on a binge!
Peace,
John
So, on Wednesday at 2pm we found ourselves BACK in Chokwe as the chapa had to turn around. No water crossing for us. So we all went to the train station, to catch the train that was supposed to leave at 6pm. I asked at 5pm, and they said 7pm. I asked at 6pm and they said 10pm. Yada yada. So me and the Zims huddled together and we dozed for most of the evening, until about 12am (Thursday) when we bought tickets for the train. It arrived at 1am, and then began the chaos.
We had been waiting with approximately 200-300 other people, most with a TON of cargo loaded into waiting train cars. Many market woman returning to their homes in the north of Gaza, some Zimbabweans headed back home after buying and selling goods that are much more affordable than in their own country. And so the train arrived FULL from Maputo (it took 12 hours to get from Maputo, a trip that takes 3 hours in a car or chapa). That meant we had to all squeeze on. This required a mad dash as soon as the train arrived, in the dark, through puddles of who knows what, just to find a car that you could hang off of until people made enough space inside just to stand in wall-to-wall humanity. I laughed out of necessity the entire time. I was smiling because it was one of those moments where I knew I was having a wonderful experience and could afford to recognize it.
12 hours later, we arrived in Chicualacuala. We departed Chokwe at 2am, as it took an hour to load everything. I spent the night very close to my locked bag, with nothing in my pockets, luggage key in my sock, money in my other shoe, random change and train ticket in my hat. I was bundled up as there were no doors or windows to protect from the wind. I tried sleeping standing up unsuccessfully, then managed to push enough people inches away from me to squat down and try and get some sleep, but to no avail as an ankle or leg was always turned the wrong way. After a while, I stood back up as it was more comfortable and essentially kept this pattern until the late morning, when I just stood up from sheer exhaustion! At a few stops, me and the Zim husband would jump out of the train and take a breather, talking about the differences between Mozambique and Zimbabwe. And complaining about the conditions. But it was all funny. Well, now, but maybe not at the time.
So we arrived at the border at 1pm Thursday and after navigating to the actual crossing, waiting for the immigration official (who I knew and helped me out), I crossed into Zimbabwe at 3pm. I got on a bus, hoping to be in Bulawayo by nightfall so that I could find somewhere to sleep there. Believing it was a three hour ride, I knew I was cutting it close.
Well, there are no surprises. It ended up leaving at 6pm, just to be stopped by border police. I fell asleep on the crowded bus next to a woman who was twice my size and eating food that smelled SO good. I had thrown away food just an hour into the train ride because it was crowding me and everyone else. Now I was regretting that. I vowed to be more opportunistic with food from now on. I woke up at 12:30am Friday as we were taking a long break to let the driver rest. We had already stopped to fix the engine and a flat. We weren't yet in Bulawayo. I bought some much needed food, made friends with a young Zim Humphrey who helped me out. On his advice, I realized there was no point in stopping in Bulawayo and bought a ticket to get me into Harare. We passed Bulawayo at 2am.
At 10am on Friday we arrived in Harare. Humphrey took me to his neighborhood, introduced me to a few friends, then at my urging got me to a bus to take me to Beitbridge. I was very thankful, but impatient as I desperately needed a full sit-down meal, shower, and bathroom. I hadn't pooped since Wednesday morning. I had successfully constipated myself.
I got on the Beitbridge bus at 11:30am, and it left almost right away. It was quite a nice bus, like American buses, but no bathroom. I knew I was close, even though I had gone way out of may going to Harare. Though it was the only relatively safe way to get there. I don't suggest travelling at night, however. That was quite the hair-raising experience. It was better than trying to find a place to stay in the middle of the night in a strange town in a strange country all alone with a big bag.
I got into Beitbridge about 4pm and a man who I met on the bus showed me to the right combi (Zim chapa) to get me to Valley 10, Oscar's village. At 4:30pm Friday, after consulting with another friendly man, I got to Oscar's house and finally sat down. I went into town with Oscar and a friend, we got fast food pizza and walked around town for a bit (seeing all the Christmas lights) before heading back home for a wonderful night's sleep in chilly Beitbridge in a queen bed in a room in my own!
Today, Saturday, I watched movies at Oscar's house, went into town, got sadza (xima in Moz, or polenta in US) for lunch, saw the flea market, did some internet, came back to the house to watch more movies, met with an older artist who bought us some traditional beer that looks like puke and tastes marginally better. And he gave us more movies to watch. You can say I went on a binge!
Peace,
John
15/12/04
2 hours from Chokwe. Stopped. Dirt road. Washed out. We're looking to see if we can ford it or if we can make a trade with a car on the other side to take us to Chicualacuala. The "search party" is returning right now to let us know what the decision is. Saving grace is that it's pretty out here and I'm translating for some Zimbabweans who are travelling with us. I hope my next entry finds us closer to Zim!
Peace,
John
Peace,
John
12/13/04
I'm really neglecting the journal, but I realize that I'm doing it now because I don't want to have to catch up. So suffice it to say that I finished up all the schoolwork, saw Jenna off, then came back to Chokwe to spend a little more time with Nanosh and Chokwe folk in order to prepare for Maputo, then went to Maputo from Tuesday to Saturday where I got ripped off for $100, then came back to Chokwe. I'm still there right now and have been organizing my trip to Zimbabwe and beyond ever since. This first leg might prove to be the most difficult in terms of politics. If all goes well, I should be fine, as I've arranged it. But you never know in Zimbabwe, because the wrong person might think you're doing the wrong thing there. Which very well might be the case.
You see, Zimbabwe's economy is currently suffering because of the president's stifling economic policy of kicking white farmers off their land and replacing them with blacks. But the blacks don't have the equipment or the same know-how to handle these industrial farms, so the economy is spiralling downward. At the banks, I can buy $5,000ZIM for $1US. On the street it's double. And the highest issued note is $1000ZIM, or the equivalent of one dime. Bread costs about $3500ZIM. So to remedy this, the government has started to issue special notes that can be pulled back in at any time of $5000, $10,000 and $20,000ZIM. This, from a currency that wasn't far from the dollar (1 to 1) not so long ago.
And tonight I have been speaking with one of the secretary-generals for the opposition MDC party, who has promised me a visit with the foreign minister of the party, a well-travelled woman named Priscilla. I'm going to have to be quite careful if I do meet her, however. The whole situation is very reminiscent of apartheid-era South Africa. This secretary-general was beaten unconscious and left for dead by the current regime. I figured that was why his English was so slow and deliberate.
But it sounds like if I don't get made out to be a politico for the West all will be fine. I just have to be careful.
It's Monday and I leave on Wednesday. Almost all the gaps have been filled in, except for my visit with Allison. I haven't told her about it, mainly because I can't but also because it's Christmas time and if she's not there, I don't want her to feel guilted into being there. For that reason I may or may not go to Zambia. I will probably call first ...
If not, I can just skip out from Zimbabwe back into Mozambique, but that seems a lot less adventurous.
It's 1AM. Still haven't tried to get any sleep.
I know I can do this trip, but it'll be on of the hardest of my life.
Peace,
John
You see, Zimbabwe's economy is currently suffering because of the president's stifling economic policy of kicking white farmers off their land and replacing them with blacks. But the blacks don't have the equipment or the same know-how to handle these industrial farms, so the economy is spiralling downward. At the banks, I can buy $5,000ZIM for $1US. On the street it's double. And the highest issued note is $1000ZIM, or the equivalent of one dime. Bread costs about $3500ZIM. So to remedy this, the government has started to issue special notes that can be pulled back in at any time of $5000, $10,000 and $20,000ZIM. This, from a currency that wasn't far from the dollar (1 to 1) not so long ago.
And tonight I have been speaking with one of the secretary-generals for the opposition MDC party, who has promised me a visit with the foreign minister of the party, a well-travelled woman named Priscilla. I'm going to have to be quite careful if I do meet her, however. The whole situation is very reminiscent of apartheid-era South Africa. This secretary-general was beaten unconscious and left for dead by the current regime. I figured that was why his English was so slow and deliberate.
But it sounds like if I don't get made out to be a politico for the West all will be fine. I just have to be careful.
It's Monday and I leave on Wednesday. Almost all the gaps have been filled in, except for my visit with Allison. I haven't told her about it, mainly because I can't but also because it's Christmas time and if she's not there, I don't want her to feel guilted into being there. For that reason I may or may not go to Zambia. I will probably call first ...
If not, I can just skip out from Zimbabwe back into Mozambique, but that seems a lot less adventurous.
It's 1AM. Still haven't tried to get any sleep.
I know I can do this trip, but it'll be on of the hardest of my life.
Peace,
John
11/30/04
[I apologize for the delay ... I've been quite lazy lately. If you would like to comment on any of the posts, you can click the "Comments" link on the bottom of each entry. Fun!]
I'm sitting outside in a much welcome windstorm after a hot morning that nearly made me sick again, like yesterday. But it didn't, and my last day of work was quick and suitably subtle. Over the past three months, essentially, I've been preparing for this moment, this transition. There are many reasons why I've written so little, not the least of which being that life has gotten fairly routine and though my day-to-day life may be interesting to others it stopped being so interesting to me -- and the little changes that only I notice as significant seem to be important. But really, a lot HAS happened. I rushed to finish up the 12th grade chemistry curriculum, giving several extra sessions in which my teaching really came together in terms of using practical examples. I've discovered how much other teachers really do appreciate me, whether it be for just working hard or for actually helping the students and other teachers. I've prepared students (about 350) for exams that they did fairly well on.
Peace,
John
I'm sitting outside in a much welcome windstorm after a hot morning that nearly made me sick again, like yesterday. But it didn't, and my last day of work was quick and suitably subtle. Over the past three months, essentially, I've been preparing for this moment, this transition. There are many reasons why I've written so little, not the least of which being that life has gotten fairly routine and though my day-to-day life may be interesting to others it stopped being so interesting to me -- and the little changes that only I notice as significant seem to be important. But really, a lot HAS happened. I rushed to finish up the 12th grade chemistry curriculum, giving several extra sessions in which my teaching really came together in terms of using practical examples. I've discovered how much other teachers really do appreciate me, whether it be for just working hard or for actually helping the students and other teachers. I've prepared students (about 350) for exams that they did fairly well on.
Peace,
John
Monday, February 14, 2005
11/6/04
We're pretty depressed here. Can't really believe that Bush won again and what that means for the world. People here are just as confused -- why would we elect him again after everything he's done? It makes no sense. So we're sitting here in Chokwe trying to figure out what to do with our American lives.
I'm considering going to Canada and becoming a math teacher. Of course, I'm half considering coming back here to do the same thing.
We just finished up the Chemistry exam and I think my students did well -- it was easy and I had prepared them for most everything that they saw on the test. What's still up in the air is the Biology test and how my students respond to it.
And if I correct Chemistry or Biology. I really don't want to go to Xai-Xai (3 hours away) just so I can correct tests for students with whom I've spent only have a year. I'd much rather stay here and correct tests of those with whom I've taught for two years now. I'm having serious discussions with Prof. Matavel about these issues because he seems to think that my opinion matters not. Maybe it's because he realizes that I can do whatever I please and he really has no recourse.
In the meantime, though, I'm relaxing and ... [N.B. 11/30 I didn't finish my sentence!]
Peace,
John
I'm considering going to Canada and becoming a math teacher. Of course, I'm half considering coming back here to do the same thing.
We just finished up the Chemistry exam and I think my students did well -- it was easy and I had prepared them for most everything that they saw on the test. What's still up in the air is the Biology test and how my students respond to it.
And if I correct Chemistry or Biology. I really don't want to go to Xai-Xai (3 hours away) just so I can correct tests for students with whom I've spent only have a year. I'd much rather stay here and correct tests of those with whom I've taught for two years now. I'm having serious discussions with Prof. Matavel about these issues because he seems to think that my opinion matters not. Maybe it's because he realizes that I can do whatever I please and he really has no recourse.
In the meantime, though, I'm relaxing and ... [N.B. 11/30 I didn't finish my sentence!]
Peace,
John
10/23/04
I said bye to my 8th graders today. It wasn't really emotional at all. I don't think we ever really connected -- I was just too busy.
Nanosh saw a guy dragging a girl along behind him, clearly involuntarily on her part, as they were heading out to the fields [just outside Chokwe]. He asked him if she wanted to be going along with him, and she responded that she really didn't. He got the name of her family out of her and tried to contact one of them to no avail. The guy couldn't care less. Nanosh was beat up about it, but it just seems so normal now. And I hate that. It's as if I've lost hope, that fearless idealism that endears you to many while making inevitable enemies of a few. I feel like I subscribe too strictly to the idea that change cannot be a 180 degree turn but a little nudge in the direction things were already going. The great leaders have all ridden waves and it makes sense. Not that I'm looking to be a great leader.
I think I need to reclaim my idealism. It's still in me, but has taken a beating. Over the past couple days, I read "The Life of Pi" and it was a wonderful story. I don't know that it brings up a whole lot of philosophical questions, but it's fun and a good read. As we all feel like Pi at some point, drifting along and alone as the cliche goes, I suppose it hits in universal nerves. Especially as I'm about to go through the loneliest part. Leaving everything that has transformed me over the last two years. And going back to the place where I can ride the waves of change and see if they are waves I want to ride. Realizing that life has no pause button, that everything is 2 1/2 years older than when I left.
I'm giving test prep now in school, and it's sad. This is my last chance to finalize my contributions here and really put some closure into my experience here.
Peace,
John
Nanosh saw a guy dragging a girl along behind him, clearly involuntarily on her part, as they were heading out to the fields [just outside Chokwe]. He asked him if she wanted to be going along with him, and she responded that she really didn't. He got the name of her family out of her and tried to contact one of them to no avail. The guy couldn't care less. Nanosh was beat up about it, but it just seems so normal now. And I hate that. It's as if I've lost hope, that fearless idealism that endears you to many while making inevitable enemies of a few. I feel like I subscribe too strictly to the idea that change cannot be a 180 degree turn but a little nudge in the direction things were already going. The great leaders have all ridden waves and it makes sense. Not that I'm looking to be a great leader.
I think I need to reclaim my idealism. It's still in me, but has taken a beating. Over the past couple days, I read "The Life of Pi" and it was a wonderful story. I don't know that it brings up a whole lot of philosophical questions, but it's fun and a good read. As we all feel like Pi at some point, drifting along and alone as the cliche goes, I suppose it hits in universal nerves. Especially as I'm about to go through the loneliest part. Leaving everything that has transformed me over the last two years. And going back to the place where I can ride the waves of change and see if they are waves I want to ride. Realizing that life has no pause button, that everything is 2 1/2 years older than when I left.
I'm giving test prep now in school, and it's sad. This is my last chance to finalize my contributions here and really put some closure into my experience here.
Peace,
John
Thursday, February 10, 2005
I'm back!
As of Friday the 4th, I have returned to the USA! It's still quite surreal, as I can't believe that it's 2005, I've been in Africa for 2+ years, and the next step is still in the works.
I've watched a television advertisement for a machine that injects different scents into your house on a 30-minute rotating basis. I've been served on by waitresses who are peppier than the small dog my father has now. I've been asked by "sales associates" where my super-saver card is, and been offered more choices than I believe I've ever had before. Or ever noticed. People reek of money and patriotism. But they still hit the sales and lament high gas prices. There's a strong undercurrent in peoples' lives that reflects their general unhappiness. That, no matter how much they have, they want more. People want to be pitied.
I noticed this last aspect before I left the States, but I think it's ballooned. The average American would LOVE to be pitied in front of millions of viewers for their hard-luck story. How many stories does it take to realize everyone has one? Reality shows just drive home the point. And everything is "reality". Special features on a DVD, new low-cost documentaries on everything from dressing nicely to airlines, the nightly news, SportsCenter ... I would add more to the list, but I can't handle doing any more research right now. It all revolves around television, which is no coincidence.
When people aren't in front of the television, they're living out their carefully sculpted lives, which lack the "reality" that television replaces. What's real? I feel like this life isn't real. I don't have a car, so I've been walking around town, which is actually quite a challenge. I decided to take a different route and ended up on a state highway. There was no sidewalk and so I trudged through snow and mud for about a mile. But I loved it. It was practically virgin soil! I've asked random people how they're doing, and there's no response. Why? Because "how are you?" is just a saying, not a question. Why would any stranger really want to know?
I'm well aware how cliche this reaction is. It is exactly what I was told to expect, and then I was told it would go away as I reacclimated to life here.
Well, pardon my cursing, but fuck it. I found what was REAL in life when I got out of the States, and I'm not about to lose that just because I'm back. I don't think me and the US of A are inherently incompatible -- in fact, it's quite the opposite. I believe we make the best of dance partners, and I'm leading. I think people have gotten so far away from actually living that there's room for someone who is trying to do just that.
There are thousands of people who are really living here in the States. I know that. People who don't have blinders on made of fear and debt which block out the world that would otherwise be. It's easy to see my return as an end, but I'm here and I'm continuing my life. And I'm not letting the person I am, the person I've always been, get in the way of it.
I know that quite a few people read this blog for a lot of different reasons -- but if it's because you're looking for something more alive than what you have, turn off your computer, turn to a loved one, go talk to a neighbor you've never spoken with, write that poem you've always wanted to write, pick up the instrument you put down years ago with a new passion -- do something that scares you and know that it scares everyone to do those things. The people who seem to be doing them all the time just know that it's worth the fear and insecurity.
In any case, I've still got quite a few entries I'll be typing up over the next few days and then I'll actually be keeping up in real time!
Peace,
John
I've watched a television advertisement for a machine that injects different scents into your house on a 30-minute rotating basis. I've been served on by waitresses who are peppier than the small dog my father has now. I've been asked by "sales associates" where my super-saver card is, and been offered more choices than I believe I've ever had before. Or ever noticed. People reek of money and patriotism. But they still hit the sales and lament high gas prices. There's a strong undercurrent in peoples' lives that reflects their general unhappiness. That, no matter how much they have, they want more. People want to be pitied.
I noticed this last aspect before I left the States, but I think it's ballooned. The average American would LOVE to be pitied in front of millions of viewers for their hard-luck story. How many stories does it take to realize everyone has one? Reality shows just drive home the point. And everything is "reality". Special features on a DVD, new low-cost documentaries on everything from dressing nicely to airlines, the nightly news, SportsCenter ... I would add more to the list, but I can't handle doing any more research right now. It all revolves around television, which is no coincidence.
When people aren't in front of the television, they're living out their carefully sculpted lives, which lack the "reality" that television replaces. What's real? I feel like this life isn't real. I don't have a car, so I've been walking around town, which is actually quite a challenge. I decided to take a different route and ended up on a state highway. There was no sidewalk and so I trudged through snow and mud for about a mile. But I loved it. It was practically virgin soil! I've asked random people how they're doing, and there's no response. Why? Because "how are you?" is just a saying, not a question. Why would any stranger really want to know?
I'm well aware how cliche this reaction is. It is exactly what I was told to expect, and then I was told it would go away as I reacclimated to life here.
Well, pardon my cursing, but fuck it. I found what was REAL in life when I got out of the States, and I'm not about to lose that just because I'm back. I don't think me and the US of A are inherently incompatible -- in fact, it's quite the opposite. I believe we make the best of dance partners, and I'm leading. I think people have gotten so far away from actually living that there's room for someone who is trying to do just that.
There are thousands of people who are really living here in the States. I know that. People who don't have blinders on made of fear and debt which block out the world that would otherwise be. It's easy to see my return as an end, but I'm here and I'm continuing my life. And I'm not letting the person I am, the person I've always been, get in the way of it.
I know that quite a few people read this blog for a lot of different reasons -- but if it's because you're looking for something more alive than what you have, turn off your computer, turn to a loved one, go talk to a neighbor you've never spoken with, write that poem you've always wanted to write, pick up the instrument you put down years ago with a new passion -- do something that scares you and know that it scares everyone to do those things. The people who seem to be doing them all the time just know that it's worth the fear and insecurity.
In any case, I've still got quite a few entries I'll be typing up over the next few days and then I'll actually be keeping up in real time!
Peace,
John
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
10/6/04
Thinking about the long trip home, but keeping myself busy. I actually had some free time tonight, to myself. What a strange feeling. The first thing I’m going to need to do is to figure out what I want to do with my free time again. It’s strange how one forgets that.
Thinking about going to Prague on my way back to the States so that I can catch a hockey game with some NHL players. I wonder how hard it is to get tickets now …
Peace,
John
Thinking about going to Prague on my way back to the States so that I can catch a hockey game with some NHL players. I wonder how hard it is to get tickets now …
Peace,
John
10/20/04
I am almost completely done with teaching classes. Really, all I have left is some test preparation and administrative work. It’s strange to think that I’ve come to the end of things and it’s ending with a whimper.
We started calculating who passes in order to go to the exams today, and my math skills were not just used, they were downright necessary. I was calculating averages of 3, 4, 9 numbers in my head using all sorts of shortcuts it took forever to explain to the math teacher. If it hadn’t been for my calculating, we wouldn’t have gotten half as much done.
Only two weeks until the presidential elections, and I feel like I’m so far from that crap that it couldn’t make a difference, but I know that this one DOES make a difference. I can’t decide, I can’t even fathom, how I want to live on returning to the States. It’s so far off. Mentally.
I’ve got less than two months of being a volunteer. Then I say bye to Chokwe and move on, somehow, with my life.
Peace,
John
We started calculating who passes in order to go to the exams today, and my math skills were not just used, they were downright necessary. I was calculating averages of 3, 4, 9 numbers in my head using all sorts of shortcuts it took forever to explain to the math teacher. If it hadn’t been for my calculating, we wouldn’t have gotten half as much done.
Only two weeks until the presidential elections, and I feel like I’m so far from that crap that it couldn’t make a difference, but I know that this one DOES make a difference. I can’t decide, I can’t even fathom, how I want to live on returning to the States. It’s so far off. Mentally.
I’ve got less than two months of being a volunteer. Then I say bye to Chokwe and move on, somehow, with my life.
Peace,
John
9/28/04
6am – I’m up, it’s pretty chilly and already light out. I can tell I slept well, which is good because I need it on a Tuesday.
6:10am – Killed security lights, put water on for bath, took a poop. Watched spiders dance around in bathroom for a while, while avoiding the omnipresent ants.
6:50am – Showered, shaved, fed, brushed, time for my first class in ten minutes.
7:25am – In first class, going well but a little noisy
7:55am – First lesson went well, but COLD!, second under way – really need to take a pee
8:38am – First exam prep done, it’s a lot of info, but they seem like they can do it
9:21am – Loud class at first, but they calmed down. This is because they didn’t have the first two classes. Really, it was the third class in a row I gave today where I was the first teacher who they saw. Really need to take a pee now.
10:33am – Just gave a quiz prep and now I’m about to give it. Empty bladder makes for happy John. Sat with Prof. Joana and calculated that I have 10 more hours of work in school than any other teacher.
11:29am – Good quiz, relatively no cheating. Now it’s off to have some lunch.
12:32pm – Got myself fed again, read an old Newsweek, tried to psych myself up for the afternoon lessons.
1:33pm – Finished 6th class of day, about STDs to my 8th graders. Started feeling slightly tired, but only because the 8th graders don’t really participate. Now I’m waiting to go to the room next to me and be done until tonight.
2:21pm – I came up with a metaphor for being faithful and avoiding STD’s. Let’s say someone pours four pots of water, one of them scolding water. You can choose to put your hand in all of them one time each or put your hand in the same one over and over again, which do you choose? They understood that you should dip your hand in the one, realizing the chances of getting burned are lower whereas in the first case you definitely WILL get burned.
2:38pm – Organized the 11th grade quizzes (52 of them) and am now going home to correct them.
5:42pm – Finished correcting the quiz, had dinner, talked with a couple Zimbabweans who came by, bought a batik from them, not I’m preparing for night class.
6:46pm – Gave a test prep for the night 11th graders and about to give the test. The day kids did quite well, so I’m anticipating a relatively problem-free test. It’s about now that I usually start getting tired, but it’s been improving lately. We’ll see what happens.
8:48pm – The test gave only a couple of problems – at the beginning there was a woman who did not want to sit where I wanted her to and so I told her, if she didn’t, I’d throw her out. I did, and it turned out that she also had a cheat sheet. I’ve been doing busy work here since then, in school. I’ve got another twenty minutes until my last class of the day begins – another 90-minute lesson. Now I’m feeling tired and my back is starting to hurt.
11:06pm – Did the lesson, gave a correction for the previous test and a preparation for the final. Came back, cleaned up, now I’m off to bed … finally. Quite tired, but it’s a good kind of tired.
Peace,
John
6:10am – Killed security lights, put water on for bath, took a poop. Watched spiders dance around in bathroom for a while, while avoiding the omnipresent ants.
6:50am – Showered, shaved, fed, brushed, time for my first class in ten minutes.
7:25am – In first class, going well but a little noisy
7:55am – First lesson went well, but COLD!, second under way – really need to take a pee
8:38am – First exam prep done, it’s a lot of info, but they seem like they can do it
9:21am – Loud class at first, but they calmed down. This is because they didn’t have the first two classes. Really, it was the third class in a row I gave today where I was the first teacher who they saw. Really need to take a pee now.
10:33am – Just gave a quiz prep and now I’m about to give it. Empty bladder makes for happy John. Sat with Prof. Joana and calculated that I have 10 more hours of work in school than any other teacher.
11:29am – Good quiz, relatively no cheating. Now it’s off to have some lunch.
12:32pm – Got myself fed again, read an old Newsweek, tried to psych myself up for the afternoon lessons.
1:33pm – Finished 6th class of day, about STDs to my 8th graders. Started feeling slightly tired, but only because the 8th graders don’t really participate. Now I’m waiting to go to the room next to me and be done until tonight.
2:21pm – I came up with a metaphor for being faithful and avoiding STD’s. Let’s say someone pours four pots of water, one of them scolding water. You can choose to put your hand in all of them one time each or put your hand in the same one over and over again, which do you choose? They understood that you should dip your hand in the one, realizing the chances of getting burned are lower whereas in the first case you definitely WILL get burned.
2:38pm – Organized the 11th grade quizzes (52 of them) and am now going home to correct them.
5:42pm – Finished correcting the quiz, had dinner, talked with a couple Zimbabweans who came by, bought a batik from them, not I’m preparing for night class.
6:46pm – Gave a test prep for the night 11th graders and about to give the test. The day kids did quite well, so I’m anticipating a relatively problem-free test. It’s about now that I usually start getting tired, but it’s been improving lately. We’ll see what happens.
8:48pm – The test gave only a couple of problems – at the beginning there was a woman who did not want to sit where I wanted her to and so I told her, if she didn’t, I’d throw her out. I did, and it turned out that she also had a cheat sheet. I’ve been doing busy work here since then, in school. I’ve got another twenty minutes until my last class of the day begins – another 90-minute lesson. Now I’m feeling tired and my back is starting to hurt.
11:06pm – Did the lesson, gave a correction for the previous test and a preparation for the final. Came back, cleaned up, now I’m off to bed … finally. Quite tired, but it’s a good kind of tired.
Peace,
John
9/22/04
I performed with the HIV/AIDS group at school, with our new director and Nanosh looking on. Oh yeah, and about 300 students. It was official AIDS day here, and as a result we got off of classes.
The new director was sworn in on Monday and he visited all of the students on Tuesday. By virtue of teaching morning, afternoon and night I got to personally see him speak 3 times, twice in my classroom. He’s progressive, optimistic, soft-spoken and nice. If he had been my director these past two years, I feel like my time here might have been completely different. Also, like the outgoing director, he is a Chemistry teacher. To my old director, that meant that he give a month of classes to two turmas and then stop under the guise of having too many responsibilities. I haven’t talked with Joao (the new guy) yet, but I feel like he won’t do that. The 11th and 12th graders might even have a chemistry teacher next year!
The exam contents came out today, giving everyone a good idea of what the exams are going to be like. I’ve already planned out group projects and lessons in preparation for these exams. It’s nice to have such concrete goals all of a sudden. We’ll see how it goes.
It’s been cold here lately, as a result of a random weather front that came in on Sunday. Luckily, on Saturday I escaped to the beach and had a wonderful time baking in the calm, clear, warm water and the sun’s rays. It’s nice to remind oneself that such things exist and joy can be so cheap. (Specifically, $2 in transportation because I got rides partway.)
Peace,
John
The new director was sworn in on Monday and he visited all of the students on Tuesday. By virtue of teaching morning, afternoon and night I got to personally see him speak 3 times, twice in my classroom. He’s progressive, optimistic, soft-spoken and nice. If he had been my director these past two years, I feel like my time here might have been completely different. Also, like the outgoing director, he is a Chemistry teacher. To my old director, that meant that he give a month of classes to two turmas and then stop under the guise of having too many responsibilities. I haven’t talked with Joao (the new guy) yet, but I feel like he won’t do that. The 11th and 12th graders might even have a chemistry teacher next year!
The exam contents came out today, giving everyone a good idea of what the exams are going to be like. I’ve already planned out group projects and lessons in preparation for these exams. It’s nice to have such concrete goals all of a sudden. We’ll see how it goes.
It’s been cold here lately, as a result of a random weather front that came in on Sunday. Luckily, on Saturday I escaped to the beach and had a wonderful time baking in the calm, clear, warm water and the sun’s rays. It’s nice to remind oneself that such things exist and joy can be so cheap. (Specifically, $2 in transportation because I got rides partway.)
Peace,
John
9/13/04
I just got done with a wicked day – not worth recounting why, but I had about 5 minutes of rest between 6am and 5pm and tomorrow is busier. It’s the 7th week and this madness starts to wind down the 11th week, so it’s just a matter of keeping myself going without getting stressed out. Walking slowly, keeping ahead in lesson plans, correcting, etc., saying no to extra things and not worrying about it, being in the moment …
I’m looking at a write-in ballot because it’s likely my real ballot won’t come in time – who’s Nader’s running mate this year?
Peace,
John
I’m looking at a write-in ballot because it’s likely my real ballot won’t come in time – who’s Nader’s running mate this year?
Peace,
John
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