As of Friday the 4th, I have returned to the USA! It's still quite surreal, as I can't believe that it's 2005, I've been in Africa for 2+ years, and the next step is still in the works.
I've watched a television advertisement for a machine that injects different scents into your house on a 30-minute rotating basis. I've been served on by waitresses who are peppier than the small dog my father has now. I've been asked by "sales associates" where my super-saver card is, and been offered more choices than I believe I've ever had before. Or ever noticed. People reek of money and patriotism. But they still hit the sales and lament high gas prices. There's a strong undercurrent in peoples' lives that reflects their general unhappiness. That, no matter how much they have, they want more. People want to be pitied.
I noticed this last aspect before I left the States, but I think it's ballooned. The average American would LOVE to be pitied in front of millions of viewers for their hard-luck story. How many stories does it take to realize everyone has one? Reality shows just drive home the point. And everything is "reality". Special features on a DVD, new low-cost documentaries on everything from dressing nicely to airlines, the nightly news, SportsCenter ... I would add more to the list, but I can't handle doing any more research right now. It all revolves around television, which is no coincidence.
When people aren't in front of the television, they're living out their carefully sculpted lives, which lack the "reality" that television replaces. What's real? I feel like this life isn't real. I don't have a car, so I've been walking around town, which is actually quite a challenge. I decided to take a different route and ended up on a state highway. There was no sidewalk and so I trudged through snow and mud for about a mile. But I loved it. It was practically virgin soil! I've asked random people how they're doing, and there's no response. Why? Because "how are you?" is just a saying, not a question. Why would any stranger really want to know?
I'm well aware how cliche this reaction is. It is exactly what I was told to expect, and then I was told it would go away as I reacclimated to life here.
Well, pardon my cursing, but fuck it. I found what was REAL in life when I got out of the States, and I'm not about to lose that just because I'm back. I don't think me and the US of A are inherently incompatible -- in fact, it's quite the opposite. I believe we make the best of dance partners, and I'm leading. I think people have gotten so far away from actually living that there's room for someone who is trying to do just that.
There are thousands of people who are really living here in the States. I know that. People who don't have blinders on made of fear and debt which block out the world that would otherwise be. It's easy to see my return as an end, but I'm here and I'm continuing my life. And I'm not letting the person I am, the person I've always been, get in the way of it.
I know that quite a few people read this blog for a lot of different reasons -- but if it's because you're looking for something more alive than what you have, turn off your computer, turn to a loved one, go talk to a neighbor you've never spoken with, write that poem you've always wanted to write, pick up the instrument you put down years ago with a new passion -- do something that scares you and know that it scares everyone to do those things. The people who seem to be doing them all the time just know that it's worth the fear and insecurity.
In any case, I've still got quite a few entries I'll be typing up over the next few days and then I'll actually be keeping up in real time!
Peace,
John
