We had a cockroach infestation tonight, and got rid of it with some heavy-duty bug spray. I'm pretty high from the stuff, combined with being mentally tired - I was doing brain gymnastics at school, making the schedule.
I was working with another professor (a very nice, polite one I might add) and we were basically speaking Portuguese for six hours straight, organizing all of the classes and subjects. Trying to translate all of the logic I was thinking into another language was VERY tiring.
I keep getting ragged on by the Mozambicans about not having a girlfriend here. I tell them I have one back home. I tell them sometimes I have a fiancee back home, but it does no good. Even my American friends are quite doubtful that I'll be able to remain single. This isn't aided by the fact that every volunteer has had at least one significant relationship, one taking back a husband.
The thing is, I'm not here to have a relationship. I can't explain that yet, but I feel very strongly that it would take away from what I can accomplish here. There are some gorgeous women here, but I'm not yet attracted to any of them. And I don't see that changing - not anytime soon.
And people also don't understand that I've spend only about a year and a half of my life - total - in serious relationships. So it's not like I don't know how to handle things on my own.
This isn't to convince myself that I can do this - I already know that - it's just to vent.
I think my frustration stems from the fact that people have a hard time believing in willpower and acting on principle. I try to always act how I believe others should act - but I don't necessarily expect others to act in that way. Principle is a very personal thing, so how can I hold others to what I value? I can't expect to behave according to others' value systems. But why can't people accept that I can, in fact, do something just because I think it's the right thing to do?
Interestingly, I think it's the people who do believe in me who become my closest friends. Because it means more when I say I believe in them.
And all my principles, all my behaviors are getting such a rigorous test here. I've had to make decisions about things I've previously thought of as cut and dried, that aren't easy decisions to make. What if someone asks me for food? To use my bathroom? Do I pick up the trash I see lying around? I used to answer yes to all these things, on principle, but now all that has been complicated. Now my personal buzzword has been "sustainable".
If I can't pick up all the trash, or nobody else will pick it up after I've taken my turn, it does more harm than good. Likewise with giving things out. All because the behavior isn't "sustainable" - because I won't be here forever and there aren't a hundred of me. Moreover, the changes have to come from within, which takes habituation and time. So if I want there to be less trash, I have to change how people think about trash - and well after I leave, the situation may change. Thus, my job as an educator is one of principles - and how can I hold others to theirs if I don't hold my own?
Peace
John
