Things here have gotten pretty boring. Nobody has visited my in a couple days, and I think a lot of it has to do with the robbery issues. But I think that will blow over in time, and I'll find out who my true friends are.
Whenever a year is ending, it's a natural landmark for looking back on the year as a whole. To think that I was planning the palindrome party with my mother, preparing for my final semester, painting her house and fixing up here and there, oblivious to the possibility of directing a musical or to being in the Peace Corps, dialing in on a borrowed laptop to work on a project for Dirt Devil, and really being spiritually lost - only slightly moreso than now - and that was just what was going on a year ago. To try and recap how I got to where I am now, in a different job on a different continent speaking a different language - well, that's what this journal's for. So I don't have to bore you with rehashing the details.
I strongly feel the teachings of Lao-Tsu in my everyday life. I see the balance in everything, and the fact that I am already "enlightened" - I just need to recognize to myself that I'm in such a state. And I am thoroughly enlightened to the very inner workings of the world, the human condition, and my own behavior. In addition, I cannot keep searching for myself unless there is more to find - in this way, I am spiritually lost. If I believe I have found everything, then in that instant, I must be an unchanging being, dead. Since this isn't possible, I must always be searching for myself.
Some people say they know very little about themselves. But how do they know this? What databank of knowledge, what watermark are they comparing their self-awareness to?
Self-knowledge is akin to sand on the beach. It's possible for me to count every grain, but the number of grains change all the time as the tide brings in and takes away thousands every second. So to actually count every grain would require a superhuman effort, though theoretically possible. In the same way, it's possible for me to know everything about myself, but I would lose it just as I found it.
And nobody can tell you that you have more grains of sand to count without knowing themselves, that there is in fact more sand on the beach. Yes, someone can look at the beach and see that you only counted one section, just as someone can tell that you know nothing about the methods in which you learn information - for example. And so this is the unenlightened person who ignores themselves - who, when presented knowledge about who they are, refused to acknowledge and use it.
But when someone is actively trying to examine the entire beach, this person is as enlightened if they've counted 1000 grains as if they've counted 10,000. It's this dilemma that frustrates so many people who feel the weight of a lofty "enlightenment" until they realize it's been there the whole time. Some people have millions of grains to count, while others have only thousands. The truth is, though,nobody (including themselves) knows what that number is. Making peace with knowing that you'll never know everything about yourself is hard, but pleasing to me.
So I return to thinking about the past year. To dwell on it would be to merely count grains of sand and not be receptive to seeing what the tide is bringing in and taking back. Yes, it's necessary every so often to make sure you're familiar with the rest of the beach, but the water brings in some amazing stuff.
So what do I expect for this upcoming year? I really have no idea. And I love it that way.
Peace
John
