I pretty much sat on my ass all day and read. I read about a fictional woman who struggles through her own demons of past and future to realize how fragile and fleeting life is, only in the end to settle down. Is this always the happy ending? I felt myself wishing for the nicely encapsulated ending and got it. As disturbing as traveling around can be, jumping from one life to another, I couldn't see myself stuck in one life for decades or even more than a few years. It could be something that I just need to get out of my system, but I think it's more likely that I was made to be unhappy with monotony - I'm even feeling the creep of monotony in my life here, though I know that's me not doing my part lately to get as involved as I'd like to be, socially.
In fact, I rarely visit people, and I see it as a result of fear and laziness. What am I going to talk about? How will I leave? What if I don't want the food offered? You'd think that by now, I'd have all this down. But I still can't gossip like a Mozambican or eat without thinking about the effort needed in order to prepare it. Does that make me stubborn, maladjusted...or normal?
I'm too hard on myself. That I've been told a thousand times, enough to start believing it, but not enough to do anything about it.
The latest in school is this HIV/AIDS campaign called "ESH" or Escolas Sem HIV (schools free of HIV). It's a program developed by FDC, the Community Development Fund organized by Nelson Mandela's wife, Graca Machel (widow of Mozambican hero Samora Machel). The idea is that FDC has a lot of arms reaching into the communities to try and fight HIV, including a very visible billboard campaign, home visits to HIV-positive people, and tons of other sponsored campaigns outside of the schools. The ESH program (pronounced "ehsh") started last year in my province at Nimi's school, and now it's at dozens of local schools.
The idea is that if teachers and students are empowered with information and a fund for performing activities, rewarding these schools who are judged to be the most successful, the fight against HIV can be won on a direct level.
Unfortunately, like all of these things, there's a big downside. All of the planning and organizing in the world can't change the fact that you're trying to change a behavior (unsafe sex with multiple partners) of many, by trying to change the behaviors of a few (the teachers and student activists). The idea that the educated will educate is all well and good, but it assumes a certain level of willingness to strengthen the message. The message received at the school level is watered-down: teachers know what the problem is, how to talk about it, who to speak with, but they don't know how to make a student embrace the idea with more than an academic interest. And so goes the house of cards. FDC says, "Use a condom and be faithful", the teacher says. "Use a condom", and the student says, "Look at the t-shirt I got from FDC!"
I was thinking about all of this when I started talking with Teresinha, the chefe of our ESH group, about what activities we were going to do this month. Well, of course we would have to do some debates which would free the students of questions, some theater to drive the message home, and some soccer games with a simple theme to really get the students to listen up. (Never mind that the debates would only happen in half the classrooms and end up debating whether "AIDS" meant one thing or another, the kids would all talk during the theater and miss the point, and the soccer game's message would be easily ignored.) And as I'm busy on Saturday, would you be so good as to run the meeting we scheduled?
Feeling the power shift, I suggested that we make a theme for the entire month of June: Does AIDS exist? I had heard that from Jenna's school, many students and teachers are asking this very question when the white person isn't around. So I figured it had to be relevant to the situation here (which it is) and it being so basic to the fight against HIV/AIDS, could spend easily one mont htalking about it, doing more good than condom demonstrations over the same period of time. Because the kids KNOW how to put a condom on, they KNOW how you get AIDS, they KNOW what the symptoms are, but if they don't THINK that it exists in the first place, what good does all that knowledge do? I didn't explain all of that, but I got the point across. And I asked what we could do to make a soccer game actually relevant to HIV/AIDS - apparently, we just need to put a banner up with a catchy slogan. Well, my theme got booted from the whole month down to just one week. But I'm running the meeting.
Not that I blame Teresinha. She cares for the students and wants the best for them. But somebody came and told them the solution was easy so they embraced it and refuse to see the solution as much closer to impossible than they'd ever like to imagine. Is that what I came here for? To be the resident cynic?
I suppose even the peacenik is considered violent in a Buddhist temple.
Peace
John
Thursday, June 24, 2004
6/1/2004
What is a volunteer if not somebody with a low-paying job? We refer to ourselves as volunteers, but the job isn't inherently that selfless. It's inherently a job. It's just that the underlying assumption is that we will take the job and run with it, going above and beyond what is required out of pure will, instead of being besieged by tons of annoying, bureaucratic requirements.
So that puts things in perspective when I think of getting a "real" job again - that there's nothing "fake" about this job, only that I took it knowing it was a stepping stone to something else. Though I can see myself teaching a science in another language in another country sometime in the future, and I see that as ten times more real than going back to the States and programming computers or analyzing documents.
French.
Maybe I oughta find myself a French-Canadian school and just go for it. After a year or so of French, of course.
A "real" job. Ha! Maybe it's just distance that brings out the "boring" buried in "real".
Peace
John
So that puts things in perspective when I think of getting a "real" job again - that there's nothing "fake" about this job, only that I took it knowing it was a stepping stone to something else. Though I can see myself teaching a science in another language in another country sometime in the future, and I see that as ten times more real than going back to the States and programming computers or analyzing documents.
French.
Maybe I oughta find myself a French-Canadian school and just go for it. After a year or so of French, of course.
A "real" job. Ha! Maybe it's just distance that brings out the "boring" buried in "real".
Peace
John
5/30/2004
It's cold. Last night, being fully clothed under a sheet and blanket was simply not enough. Of course, sleeping on a reed mat in a strange coastal house had something to do with it...and also not having batshit insulation plays a part.
Been doing a lot of thinking lately, which is always dangerous. Life is definitely too short - a fact accentuated by being here, where you see more infants than people your age and up - and the moment must be taken advantage of. It doesn't even feel like life here sometimes, because of how we're brought up to approach life as moving in some logical manner. But it doesn't.
You have to hold on to your surroundings and the people who surround you, for the support you need because only in the familiar can you ever find solace. And every day that passes, your past gets further away and you inevitably get more different than the people from your past.
This isn't to say that you can't hold on to the past. You can, but you miss out on so much that is going on right in front of your nose - like everything else, the moment is a balance. The moment is a delicate combination of what you can see and feel, and what you can remember of everything that made this moment.
And life doesn't work on a gradient - like modern theories of evolution, a lot happens in a burst and then nothing happens for a while until the next burst.
I'm in a burst now, just on a different level, and I'm really unsure as to where it's going to bring me and if I'm ready for it.
Peace
John
Been doing a lot of thinking lately, which is always dangerous. Life is definitely too short - a fact accentuated by being here, where you see more infants than people your age and up - and the moment must be taken advantage of. It doesn't even feel like life here sometimes, because of how we're brought up to approach life as moving in some logical manner. But it doesn't.
You have to hold on to your surroundings and the people who surround you, for the support you need because only in the familiar can you ever find solace. And every day that passes, your past gets further away and you inevitably get more different than the people from your past.
This isn't to say that you can't hold on to the past. You can, but you miss out on so much that is going on right in front of your nose - like everything else, the moment is a balance. The moment is a delicate combination of what you can see and feel, and what you can remember of everything that made this moment.
And life doesn't work on a gradient - like modern theories of evolution, a lot happens in a burst and then nothing happens for a while until the next burst.
I'm in a burst now, just on a different level, and I'm really unsure as to where it's going to bring me and if I'm ready for it.
Peace
John
5/27/2004
This is the first journal entry in a long time that I've made by candlelight. Interesting, as the candle was poorly made so it's giving me a veritable pyrotechnic display in its snapping and popping.
More interesting is that I don't have power, not because of some natural disaster, but because Nanosh's school didn't pay the bill for three months. So they came to cut the energy today. They say it'll be back tomorrow.
The radio quit yesterday. Got shaken up too much. Can still use the tape player, which is now a moot point without electricity. The water still works, but the ants are reveling in every moist spot available. And we don't have any security lights right now, but it's not a big deal because Nanosh has the only thing of value - the cell phone - in Maputo. And since the freezer needs power, it's useless and as the gas is practically gone, the stove is useless.
The good news: they started work on the potholes again (it's been over a month since they did anything) and my latest theory is that Mozambicans are actually smarter than Americans, trapped in a bankrupt system.
Peace
John
More interesting is that I don't have power, not because of some natural disaster, but because Nanosh's school didn't pay the bill for three months. So they came to cut the energy today. They say it'll be back tomorrow.
The radio quit yesterday. Got shaken up too much. Can still use the tape player, which is now a moot point without electricity. The water still works, but the ants are reveling in every moist spot available. And we don't have any security lights right now, but it's not a big deal because Nanosh has the only thing of value - the cell phone - in Maputo. And since the freezer needs power, it's useless and as the gas is practically gone, the stove is useless.
The good news: they started work on the potholes again (it's been over a month since they did anything) and my latest theory is that Mozambicans are actually smarter than Americans, trapped in a bankrupt system.
Peace
John
5/26/2004
I gave a tutoring session for some of my oldest 10th graders in Mathematics today. They were working on word problems and I led them through step by step, at least how I had learned to do it. They were really pleased and gracious, making me think that maybe I teach the wrong subject. Imagine - Math teacher John. Hmmm. I think I would have the same problems, however. Teaching on the secondary level requires that the primary level education was done well, and that dependent concepts have been introduced. As that doesn't always happen, math could be quite the adventure, like Biology.
Peace
John
Peace
John
5/25/2004
I'm starting to learn a lot about what's lacking in the educational system here, almost enough to come up with some very real conclusions.
I was in my extra session today, telling the few students who arrived that I would only answer specific questions, and not "I don't understand...genetics", for example. So we sat and stared at each other for a while, they being completely at a loss as to how to ask a specific question on material they were pretty sure they understood and me struggling to NOT try and explain everything all over again, knowing that it would just reinforce memorizing my explanation.
So we sat and sat, and eventually after much prodding and impatience from the students, they asked about a homework assignment that I had given them. It read, "Which codon controls the color brown?" Now, I was doing an exercise in using the genetic code that was not all that scientifically accurate, but useful to introduce the necessary concepts. But I didn't think it would be an exercise in basic education.
I said, "Let's start with the question. What is the question asking for?" I gave them examples of what I meant, writing the question, "What is the capital of the USA?" on the board and asked if "In the capital is where the President is located" is an appropriate response. They recognized that it wasn't appropriate but didn't really know why. I explained that the question is asking for a city. I gave more scientific examples of these questions, making special note of the key words in the questions. After about 10-15 minutes, they understood that the homework was asking for codons and after that, the assignment was trivial. But the reason I receive ridiculous responses that have nothing to do with the question, is because they don't know how to read a question properly. They've never been TAUGHT how to read a question. Never. My lesson on responding properly was probably the first time, and the glow on their faces afterwards confirmed it.
So what happens when they don't know how to read the question? They match it up with the information that's closest to it and just repeat the information, hoping (often correctly) for a good answer to the question. But the way I write questions, they're screwed if they don't know how to read a question AND think about and internalize the information in order to be able to apply it. So the kids who can do all of that get close to perfect (or perfect) scores, ones who can do half of it get decent scores, ones who haven't tried to learn outside of the system fail miserably.
But can they really learn how to read a question in 10th grade? Granted, it's better than the 8th grade struggles. I asked today where the blood goes after leaving the heart, aside from the body, and they rightly said the lungs. I asked them what happens in the lungs, and since they had already stuck themselves onto the definition for the circulation between the heart and lungs, I got, "The blood returns to the heart." It had nothing to do with the question.
So I asked some students what their names were, how old they were, where were they born, etc. They, of course, answered these questions fine, so I pointed out that since they were listening to the questions I was asking now, I'd try again. They got it and I think realized their mistake, but I pointed out that they can't just read the definition. The 10th graders have this down pretty well after a while in my lessons, but it's incredibly frustrating to deal with just the basic listening skills when you're also working with thinking skills.
Sometimes I wish I didn't even have a curriculum so I could teach the most basic concepts just to actually teach basic learning skills (though in a sense, I'm actually doing that). It's frustrating because I think they actually want to understand for the sake of understanding and I just can't spend the class time on what they really need.
But it's clear to me that skills like summarizing, choosing the main idea, concept association, etc., are so foreign that students as old as these can only treat the skills as something else to memorize - and when I don't give them the opportunity to memorize, they freak out. Well, little by little.
Peace
John
I was in my extra session today, telling the few students who arrived that I would only answer specific questions, and not "I don't understand...genetics", for example. So we sat and stared at each other for a while, they being completely at a loss as to how to ask a specific question on material they were pretty sure they understood and me struggling to NOT try and explain everything all over again, knowing that it would just reinforce memorizing my explanation.
So we sat and sat, and eventually after much prodding and impatience from the students, they asked about a homework assignment that I had given them. It read, "Which codon controls the color brown?" Now, I was doing an exercise in using the genetic code that was not all that scientifically accurate, but useful to introduce the necessary concepts. But I didn't think it would be an exercise in basic education.
I said, "Let's start with the question. What is the question asking for?" I gave them examples of what I meant, writing the question, "What is the capital of the USA?" on the board and asked if "In the capital is where the President is located" is an appropriate response. They recognized that it wasn't appropriate but didn't really know why. I explained that the question is asking for a city. I gave more scientific examples of these questions, making special note of the key words in the questions. After about 10-15 minutes, they understood that the homework was asking for codons and after that, the assignment was trivial. But the reason I receive ridiculous responses that have nothing to do with the question, is because they don't know how to read a question properly. They've never been TAUGHT how to read a question. Never. My lesson on responding properly was probably the first time, and the glow on their faces afterwards confirmed it.
So what happens when they don't know how to read the question? They match it up with the information that's closest to it and just repeat the information, hoping (often correctly) for a good answer to the question. But the way I write questions, they're screwed if they don't know how to read a question AND think about and internalize the information in order to be able to apply it. So the kids who can do all of that get close to perfect (or perfect) scores, ones who can do half of it get decent scores, ones who haven't tried to learn outside of the system fail miserably.
But can they really learn how to read a question in 10th grade? Granted, it's better than the 8th grade struggles. I asked today where the blood goes after leaving the heart, aside from the body, and they rightly said the lungs. I asked them what happens in the lungs, and since they had already stuck themselves onto the definition for the circulation between the heart and lungs, I got, "The blood returns to the heart." It had nothing to do with the question.
So I asked some students what their names were, how old they were, where were they born, etc. They, of course, answered these questions fine, so I pointed out that since they were listening to the questions I was asking now, I'd try again. They got it and I think realized their mistake, but I pointed out that they can't just read the definition. The 10th graders have this down pretty well after a while in my lessons, but it's incredibly frustrating to deal with just the basic listening skills when you're also working with thinking skills.
Sometimes I wish I didn't even have a curriculum so I could teach the most basic concepts just to actually teach basic learning skills (though in a sense, I'm actually doing that). It's frustrating because I think they actually want to understand for the sake of understanding and I just can't spend the class time on what they really need.
But it's clear to me that skills like summarizing, choosing the main idea, concept association, etc., are so foreign that students as old as these can only treat the skills as something else to memorize - and when I don't give them the opportunity to memorize, they freak out. Well, little by little.
Peace
John
5/23/2004
Silence is wonderful.
In its smooth nothingness, it provides a place for everything that is directionless and lost. Silence opens up doors in the soul, in the soul that you only know in silence.
Went and ate lunch at Maria's place with David. David, Nanosh and I went to the city soccer game this afternoon and watched C-- squeeze out a scrappy win against Macia. I thought during the game that I could probably do a comparable job in goal. It's quite tempting to give it a try. Soccer really is an addictive sport, even for those who watch it just for the funny errors that happen to the other team.
Nothing all that notable is going on (that I wish to share with the entire world!) - just a lot more of the same. But I can think of my time here as 6 months and a few weeks - how quickly it all goes by...
Peace
John
In its smooth nothingness, it provides a place for everything that is directionless and lost. Silence opens up doors in the soul, in the soul that you only know in silence.
Went and ate lunch at Maria's place with David. David, Nanosh and I went to the city soccer game this afternoon and watched C-- squeeze out a scrappy win against Macia. I thought during the game that I could probably do a comparable job in goal. It's quite tempting to give it a try. Soccer really is an addictive sport, even for those who watch it just for the funny errors that happen to the other team.
Nothing all that notable is going on (that I wish to share with the entire world!) - just a lot more of the same. But I can think of my time here as 6 months and a few weeks - how quickly it all goes by...
Peace
John
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
05/19/2004
Custodio came by to visit today (Peace Corps staff). Nanosh and I asked him about his past, in which he has worked for various NGOs and other organizations. I asked him whether he thought NGOs were good or bad. He says he thinks Peace Corps is a good organization because we're down in the trenches doing real development, and there's a lot of organizations that are all about money - money comes in and it just disappears. We see a lot of that here, personally.
And so it begs the question - where's the limit? If we, as volunteers, see that our communities and colleagues are completely dependent upon outside organizations, does that mean we are part of a broken machine or that we are far enough removed to be considered actually innocent of this economic colonialization? I talk to people on a regular basis who tell me that "Eh pa! I just lost my job because the project ended. If the money goes through, I might get picked up again", or conversely, "I can't make it here any more because I found a project to work on." So, instead of starting businesses or developing a domestic economy, the economy of first world giving is kept afloat. Wonderful.
Peace
John
And so it begs the question - where's the limit? If we, as volunteers, see that our communities and colleagues are completely dependent upon outside organizations, does that mean we are part of a broken machine or that we are far enough removed to be considered actually innocent of this economic colonialization? I talk to people on a regular basis who tell me that "Eh pa! I just lost my job because the project ended. If the money goes through, I might get picked up again", or conversely, "I can't make it here any more because I found a project to work on." So, instead of starting businesses or developing a domestic economy, the economy of first world giving is kept afloat. Wonderful.
Peace
John
05/18/2004
I just finished correcting the first quiz this term for my 8th graders, and there were 5 students with 100% and 5 with 0%, with everything in between, at an average of 40%! It's really incredible to me how little information most of them know or understand. And the answers I accepted were...generous.
And the cheating continues. One girl, as I was explaining the questions, turned to her neighbor ever so subtly and began asking him something. So I took her paper away. Minutes later, I saw her standing right outside the door, copying off the questions to do the quiz outside. Why? Well, she never put her name on the paper I took away, so her plan was to write another quiz up and sneak it into my pile as the only one with her name. As I said to the class right afterwards, "It's unfortunate that Sonia thinks I don't know her name."
And then there are my stoner girls in the 2nd oldest 8th grade turma. They're about 16 years old and show up late every day, in a very loud, inappropriate mood. I'm pretty sure they're not arriving stoned, but I don't know how to explain it. Well, they showed up late to the quiz, stared at me and at each other for a while, wrote the questions (but not the answers) and handed the papers in. Nothing. No effort. And 25% of their grade.
These kids aren't required to be in school, and more, they have to pay. Every year, school fees, books (if the teachers require them), bribe money for both teachers and students, school supplies, etc. I'd be tempted to call their parents if I thought they wouldn't beat their children OR do absolutely nothing.
My extra session for the 10th graders went well. Abdul asked me if it's good to have a girlfriend, in English. I said , yes, if you want to have one and she wants to have you as a boyfriend. And to be careful because "I love you" doesn't always mean what you think it means. I just wish it were really that simple.
Peace
John
And the cheating continues. One girl, as I was explaining the questions, turned to her neighbor ever so subtly and began asking him something. So I took her paper away. Minutes later, I saw her standing right outside the door, copying off the questions to do the quiz outside. Why? Well, she never put her name on the paper I took away, so her plan was to write another quiz up and sneak it into my pile as the only one with her name. As I said to the class right afterwards, "It's unfortunate that Sonia thinks I don't know her name."
And then there are my stoner girls in the 2nd oldest 8th grade turma. They're about 16 years old and show up late every day, in a very loud, inappropriate mood. I'm pretty sure they're not arriving stoned, but I don't know how to explain it. Well, they showed up late to the quiz, stared at me and at each other for a while, wrote the questions (but not the answers) and handed the papers in. Nothing. No effort. And 25% of their grade.
These kids aren't required to be in school, and more, they have to pay. Every year, school fees, books (if the teachers require them), bribe money for both teachers and students, school supplies, etc. I'd be tempted to call their parents if I thought they wouldn't beat their children OR do absolutely nothing.
My extra session for the 10th graders went well. Abdul asked me if it's good to have a girlfriend, in English. I said , yes, if you want to have one and she wants to have you as a boyfriend. And to be careful because "I love you" doesn't always mean what you think it means. I just wish it were really that simple.
Peace
John
Saturday, June 19, 2004
05/17/2004
No chalk!
First class, Monday morning, and the report back from the student sent to go get chalk is that there's none. So I send the chefe of the turma back to the room to sit and wait until they give him chalk, saying that I refuse to teach until I've got chalk. Which is really 50% pragmatism as most of my lesson depends on chalk for the students' understanding and 50% protest because I could easily make something up that doesn't require chalk. So we sat there for about half an hour while I showed them how to measure their pulse and then we sat and did homework. But a few minutes in, a student asked to go home to get chalk from his house, another found a tiny piece, and word came down tht there would soon be chalk. So I have 15 minutes of a 45-minute lesson and saved an extra piece of chalk I got from the student to give my next lesson, but was out again for the third. So I pulled the protest again and got another piece. Before my last class, I scored another piece, but I wouldn't be surprised if the night classes didn't happen and classes tomorrow are worse.
I never really experienced it before, but if you deny yourself passion, it's hard to really get it back after a while.
I've been thinking more and more about social work lately, as I would like to have some direction and that's a direction I'd like to go in. Plus, with a degree in Biology and Computer Science, experience in web design, personal tutoring and high school teaching, what could be a more logical choice?? Now, if I could just find a way to do it outside the US and feasibly...:)
Peace
John
First class, Monday morning, and the report back from the student sent to go get chalk is that there's none. So I send the chefe of the turma back to the room to sit and wait until they give him chalk, saying that I refuse to teach until I've got chalk. Which is really 50% pragmatism as most of my lesson depends on chalk for the students' understanding and 50% protest because I could easily make something up that doesn't require chalk. So we sat there for about half an hour while I showed them how to measure their pulse and then we sat and did homework. But a few minutes in, a student asked to go home to get chalk from his house, another found a tiny piece, and word came down tht there would soon be chalk. So I have 15 minutes of a 45-minute lesson and saved an extra piece of chalk I got from the student to give my next lesson, but was out again for the third. So I pulled the protest again and got another piece. Before my last class, I scored another piece, but I wouldn't be surprised if the night classes didn't happen and classes tomorrow are worse.
I never really experienced it before, but if you deny yourself passion, it's hard to really get it back after a while.
I've been thinking more and more about social work lately, as I would like to have some direction and that's a direction I'd like to go in. Plus, with a degree in Biology and Computer Science, experience in web design, personal tutoring and high school teaching, what could be a more logical choice?? Now, if I could just find a way to do it outside the US and feasibly...:)
Peace
John
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