I think I needed some time to not write for a while, to collect my thoughts and work hard on what's in front of me, right here, right now. Though I've been noticing lately that I've been very absent-minded in my work and stretching myself thin. Not that this is any surprise - I guess I just needed to find where that limit was. And I've been going through another tough emotional time that I essentially have to deal with by myself - for a few reasons. And though I'm accomplishing what I viewed as quite possibly "impossible", I don't feel all that wonderful about it. Yeah, I'm teaching almost 600 kids now on all different levels in two different subjects at all times of the day. It's a constant challenge, but is my body really up for it? I know that when I start making careless errors, it's the first sign that my brain is tired. Not because I can't do the problem, but because I'm looking for (and satisfied with) shortcuts.
I've found that what keeps me going is being in front of and with students. This very human aspect of WORK makes it all worthwhile. It's what I need in any job that I have from this point on in my life. People. Yesterday, I taught for 8 hours and was doing schoolwork for another 3 or so. It's addicting. I do and don't like being addicted. I never want to be a workaholic - so I want to not think of it as work. But I know that personal relationships suffer when you spend all your time buried in work, whether or not it's "work".
So my thoughts are pretty scattered, my perspective on the world and on life is nice and rounded, and my pen is once again ruining perfectly blank pieces of journal paper.
I've noticed that, without Nanosh or the Canadians around, my Portuguese has improved markedly. I still can't express myself as I'd like (would that day ever come?), but I'm feeling more comfortable in these shoes.
I used to have Wednesday's completely off, but now I have to teach in the morning...and then I end up doing all sorts of other things at school. Today, I found myself there from 7 AM till 11AM, and 2 PM till 7 PM. Not exactly a day off. But I showed some kids how to use a microscope, and I prodded them gently to play around with it. One of them got a drop of "clean" water from outside and found it to be much less than pristine. They were very interested in the applications, but I think the real application is in getting them to see the very necessary connectionn between the cells in our body and how small and omnipresent they are. It's something that, without proper visual aids or personally seeing it, it can never really be properly imagined for minds cultivated on analytical methods. The use of the microscope has such far-reaching implications, but ONE for a group of FIFTY!? That's what's so difficult.
And of course what's been on my mind - what will inevitably come to dominate my thoughts - is the next step in my life. And the very question (What to do?) is part of the debate. I'm very tempted to just not decide and let the next step find me. I think there's just too much to consider and cull so that it might be counterproductive to look. What I have to convince myself of is that there is no one job where I can fulfill all of my goals - all I can do is take a good job and make the most of it, molding it into the job I want. Like this one. And the hope is that with every job, self-directed or not, I'll get closer and closer to my goals.
I guess it's just a professional reflection of my philosophical wanderings - that, inevitably, I will get closer and closer to the truth that doesn't really exist. Just like when you tear a piece of paper in half. And then do it again. And agian. And, assuming you get small enough instruments, you can keep on doing that for quite a while. You never get down to "no paper" - you just get infinitely close to it. I'll just get close enough to get a good idea. And I'll never find the perfect job. I'll just get close enough to have an idea of what it would be.
I'm so preoccupied with happiness - mainly, that of others - that I don't focus on my own. So my next job definitely needs to address that situation. Which isn't to say that I'm not happy. This is definitely the coolest (and lowest paying - roughly $30 per week) job. So I guess another objective would be to find something as cool.
Which leads me to the next conclusion, that I need to move. Preferably from the States. But I need to figure out where I am emotionally first, and how I can maintain relationships with loved ones. But I could easily see myself in China, Brazil, Lithuania or even Canada, speaking Chinese, Portuguese, Lithuanian or Canadian :) The possibilities make my head spin, because although it's only months away, it's a world that I can't imagine right now.
Peace
John
