There are moments in life where everything just magically comes together - the happiness and sadness, the fatigue and energy, the shock and routine.
I just finished reading a letter from the States, whipped from teaching a bunch of lessons today, but it totally picked me up. Then my mind went to the news that a young neighbor of ours died this afternoon because his car went into the canal and he couldn't get out. And I can hear people wailing. So what right do I have to have any happiness? To even see balance in this craziness?
It's that I think I've accepted life. Life will play around with me, it will give me moments to mourn and moments to celebrate, but I can't wallow or pity myself because there are a thousand people behind me waiting for things to be half as good as I have them. I love working this hard - it gives me great opportunities and chances to grow and experience life.
This man who died, embodied this spirit - he fixed cars and loved it - he was friendly to all and patient in showing others his craft. So what, that he wasn't making all that much money? The wailing continues.
I know, it's so predictable, considering one's own mortality after a death close to oneself - but really, there's a lot I haven't figured out yet about this world. I mean, it's clear to me that Mozambicans are less preoccupied about the HIV problem than Westerners in Mozambique are. And it makes sense. The "problem" is relatively new, the social stigmas are numerous, and there are tons of other problems aside from HIV that preoccupy people here (like malaria, tuberculosis and childhood diseases). So why be worried? Why be worried about a disease that kills you over the course of years, when that's what the average life amounts to? The life expectancy is approaching 30 here, and it could go below. Why not live a sexually risky life, when all you're risking is the possibility of dying a little sooner? Honestly, for the Mozambicans, I can't justify them using a condom and all the social problems attached to it. I think the only solution is fidelity - but who's to mandate a social solution who doesn't come from this society?
And so, if we're all equal, how does it come out in the end? How do millions of 30-somethings pass through this world whose impact on it is minimized? What's the point? I suppose it's to enjoy life and really do what your heart wants - to follow your instincts. We are, after all, animals, and we follow our instincts. So why can't that be enough? Because our imaginations get us going - how can life exist without a purpose? How can it be a billion-year chemical experiment without some sort of grand design? Can all this be accidental? It's all so cliche. Because, in the fact of death and mortality, I believe it. I think that, whatever really happened, it doesn't affect me now and now is the only time I've got. If it turns out that I get more time down the line, I'll take advantage of that opportunity when it comes along. But the idea of sitting down and having a "career" so I can work 20 years and one day relax a bit is so far from the reality I feel here in Mozambique that I just want to avoid it...completely. Forsaking the moment for some unknown and unlikely future is foolish.
Peace
John
