Well, I got through another night of dreaming, but this time it was less intense and today was my rest day of the week - only two lessons and lots of lesson planning.
Because of my class load, I haven't had a lot of time to think about the past couple of years or the next few months, but I'm filled with plenty of anxiety about it. I should say, I'm filled with anxiety about the both of them. I don't know if my accomplishments are tangible, and I don't know if I want to evaluate myself (period) and if I do, if I should evaluate myself on "results". In fact, I'd much rather leave the whole thing, figure out how I can use what I've learned here, be satisfied with who I am, and spend less time explicitly improving myself and instead just DOING and BEING. Which is the link between the last two years and the next.
So do I need to be in a new place to take a new approach to life? Am I ready to change gears, from the "student" to the "participant", or is it an unerasable part of me to always be the student, to always put as much on my plate as I can handle? Well, I'd like to try it. And I think I've come up with the parameters of the next step.
First, I have to be unconcerned with what others think about my decision and trust my own judgment. I think I've looked to others to validate my actions for long enough.
Second, I want to be close to those who I've grown close to back in the States - and do away with this seemingly interminable distance and silence.
Third, I want to have the time to listen and to live. I want to have the time to not fall into a routine, which implies a certain amount of business but not an excess.
Fourth, I want to change the world, and I know what that means. It means that you change how the people around you live in small but meaningful ways, enough so that those people will want to do the same thing. And I don't want the credit for it.
Peace
John
